Moving

Ok, ok I know. I am always moving and shifting my blog about and I am doing it again.

If want to continue reading my further exploits head here

http://daringtolivenotsimplyexist.wordpress.com/

I must of had a crystal ball

I mentioned that I had a feeling my asthma was starting to slide, I was right I ended up spending 2 nights in my local hossie. More later. I am still having problems with Blogger thinks it more my PC than anything so I may well be moving soon to another blog provider.

Breating, normal and mechanical

New nebuliser is ordered and I ended up with a aquilon ultima, a new nebuliser only just released. I tell a lie it has been out for a long time initially made by I believe Sunrise Medical and now made by AFP medical. Manufacturing was stopped a while back due to technical problems, these they reassure me are all sorted now and my new nebby should be with me tomorrow.

Which is just as well as I think I am starting to slide downwards and a nebuliser may well be required before to long I have started physio tonight and am at the doctors tomorrow. In 8 hours time. Best get to bed then.

BANG, and the nebulisers gone!!!

May I commence this post by stating that, no this is not an advert for cillit bang. With that out of the way I shall explain what this post is about. Exploding nebulisers. What I refer to as my workhorse nebuliser has basically "had it" it cost over £200, was one of the best makes and yet lasted less than 6 years. Not good. It was repairable but it was uneconomical to do so, it was going to cost £152.00 to repair it.

I "have got" my Pari Mobile S, I place, have got in inverted commas because it appears to of disappeared off the face of the earth despite an extensive search of the house. Maybe the guinea pig has secreted it for his own use. I hear, very worryingly that nebulised vodka gets you drunk very quickly not that I have ever tried it personally.

So I am now left searching for a new nebuliser the company were I took my nebuliser to has reserved a Porta-neb for me which costs from them £117.00. Nebulisers are not provided by the NHS. I know though searching round that I can get this particular nebuliser elsewhere, cheaper.

I am also looking at other options I love this nebuliser along with the dragon mask. Sadly though its only available in USA. It even comes with a bag shaped as an igloo.

I also have to laugh at the leaflets that the companies provide to advertise their wares, they show someone looking very chipper, bright, breezy and very unlike someone experiencing breathing difficulties. Where's the black ringed eyes, exhausted face and hamster cheeks (caused by steroids)?. I mean what is all this about?

So I have about narrowed it down but still unsure

I like the Omron C 28

Or the C30

Why Omron? well my "baby neb" is an Omron, I think I failed to mention the fact that I have this nebuliser earlier in my post. Its a great little neb and runs on AA batteries it's 7 years old now and still going strong. It has also come down significantly in price!! The trouble with it is it's slow and not much good for my "lung-gunk" annihilation physio but it has gone everywhere with me.

The difference between the two is the price the C28 is £60 cheaper but that aside the C30 can be used all over the world and can be run off my car battery, its smaller very slightly quieter but also slightly slower. The other thing is I can purchase an additional battery for it should I choose to, but that will cost me over a £100, take three hours to charge and runs around 7 nebules before expiring. But when I eventually find it, if I ever do my Pari can do the self same. Plus my friend has had the same omron compressor nebuliser for years, without problems I know that its a very tiny sample but from this I take them to be reliable. Their after care is excellent I once covered my baby omron in stickers put the cover back on it causing it to promptly jam (my Pari has Winnie the Pooh stickers on it). I sent it back to omron asking them to unjam it please. In due course I was sent a brand new nebuliser with a note advising me never to put stickers on it again. Whoops!

The other option is the Inspiration elite

This looks like a great nebuliser as it never needs servicing. Thus saving £55 a year.

Finally I also like the look of this nebuliser as it is so small

But I am very undecided at the minute so if any readers would like to offer any feedback it would be most appreciated. Thank you.

Either way its gunna cost me money to keep breathing over the winter months.

So tired

There is loads I want to blog about and on a number of different subjects hamsters, my wrist, studying, church among several but I am so tired right now I think I will leave it till tomorrow.

I have been having lots of problems with blogger I don't know whether it is my server or blogger itself, I keep getting an error message stating that "service not available" very frustrating. I don't know what to make of it really.

Anyway there will be more soon, once I have slept and rejuvenated myself.

And it all goes belly up.

So what did I get done on the remainder of my holiday? Nothing, nowt, not a thing, zippolla.

Why?

Well, one key contributing factor in this was I had an accident, an accident at work while doing a bank shift. The result was a bruised back (along with several other bruises) and a sprained wrist. They did question as to whether my scaphoid bone was broken but though the walk-in-centre shuts at 10pm x-ray shuts at 5pm,yup I can see the logic in that. I arrived 5 minutes to late. Anyway they put a splint on my wrist which though effective is restrictive and sent me on my way with the advise if its no better by Monday come back and we'll X ray it.

New year, new challenges

I know its only September but for me the new year begins. That is the new academic year.

It only seems 5 minutes since I handed my last essay in way back in May, then I was looking forward to a summer of freedom and to be able to enjoy the warm weather free of the stresses of study. It didn't transpire like that though. I started a new course and the weather by and large was rubbish with the odd warm rain free day here and there, mostly when I was at work.

I am on a fortnights holiday, the idea behind it was to have some time to unwind and chill out before the new year began. What happened? Work was desperately short staffed and I ended up volunteering for 4 shifts. Things are "up in the air" at work and my attempts to get a new job have so far failed. However on opportunity has arose, to do something I really enjoy-a little bit of teaching.

During my holiday I have done a few things, I have visited my nana and had a day out, where it rained heavily, all day. I had other things planned but they have failed to transpire. Still there is time yet to do something with the remainder of my holiday other than housework and studying, although I don't start till the middle of the month I want to get started early I have my study notes just not the relevant textbooks. This last module looks to be both interesting and tough and I desperately need to do well in order to get a "merit".

Life is very busy at the minute as not only have I got my studies to concentrate on but also I have the new summer term coming up and I have training to do for the leaders of the children's clubs I volunteer for and I need to get myself up to speed with the latest policy documents in preparation for this. Plus I have been asked to do a talk to the children on issues affecting them.

I took my nebuliser in yesterday for its annual service, I was shocked to discover that it now costs more than buying a cheap but half decent nebuliser, this is without all the other costs that come with being a nebuliser user.

All the animals are fine, I have two guests. Foster boys, they are delightful animals but there isn't the room for them and they are getting under my feet a bit but all the same I am enjoying their company.

Talking of pets, I must dash as I have my friends gorgeous cat to feed and I want to spend some time with him like I normally do and I don't think his mummy would be too keen to come home exhausted only to find me still invading her house and her cats attention.

Looking back, looking forward.

My blog is now officially one year old. Its been a roller coaster year and that has been, I think reflected on my blog. This blog started out as somewhere to discuss and share my experiences as a student but quickly developed into something broader and a far more encompassing, reflecting every aspect of my life. It also become somewhere I could vent the difficulties and stresses that I face in my life. In this past year 1500 readers have visited my blog, thanks to everyone who took the time to read my waffle.

So what of the future? In some ways I am disappointed that this blog hasn't developed into what I wanted it to be, to raise awareness and reach a wide scope of readers, also where as initially I felt able to be open and honest when things got tough about how I was feeling and what was going on in my life I now find this less so, leaving me feeling that this blog is becoming a little "samey" and sterile. In short I am no longer comfortable with some aspects of blogging. So I don't know what if anything the next year of this blog holds, I will have to wait and see how things develop and which direction it heads off into.

12 feets grows to 16 feet

As you all know I have 3 gorgeous guinea pigs Prince Harry, Sparky and Thomas. I am more than happy with my little gang and had no plans to extend it. They are wonderful pets, all of them each offering their own different characteristics and personality. I love each of them to bits.

A few weeks ago me and my nana were nattering away on the phone and she mentioned in passing that she was thinking of getting herself a hamster. I have carried a view from childhood that they are nippy little things, not easily tamed. I have had two as an adult "Alice" the devil in hamster form. Put your hand in her cage when she was awake, even offering food and you would remove your hand with a hamster dangling off your finger, no matter how hard I tried it was impossible to tame that hamster.

There is one amusing story related to Alice though, I took her on as a pet while living in the university accommodation block which was overseen by a woman known to us all as "Twiggy". We never called her that to her face but she of was know of that title behind her back and she shared a similar personality to Alice, without the biting, I don't recall ever seeing that woman smile. One thing that was an absolute no-no was pets, though several hamsters did reside in that block along side students.

Anyway, Twiggy appeared one day wanting to do an inspection. On hearing a knock at the door I shoved Alice's cage under the bed, in doing so I woke Alice up. While "Twiggy" was busy doing her inspection all I could hear from under the bed was the "squeak, squeak, squeak" of Alice whizzing round her wheel. Fortunately, it would seem "Twiggy" as well as being devoid of personality was also devoid of hearing as she never appeared to pick up on the strange squeaking coming from under my bed.

Then later on came "Sammy the hammy" he held the distinction of being the only hamster never to bite me. He was one class hamster. After that I became hamster less and gave no further consideration to ever having a hamster darken my door again.

Going back to my nana wanting to acquire a hamster as a pet, I offered to purchase a hamster on her behalf and then bring it down to her. I do not believe in homing from pet shop or breeders so after a few enquiries I discovered that there is a small animal rescue 20 miles from me a few emails later and a hammy was reserved for my nana. So off I went one Thursday night in my trusty chariot to view the said hamster and make a final decision. She was adorable and I deemed her suitable as a new companion for my nana and thus agreed to adopt her for my nana.

The wonderful person J that ran the rescue then introduced me to the other inmates and though they were each gorgeous I resolved that no, I was not offering any off them a home. There were gerbils rescued from their owner by the RSPCA as they were been kept in unsuitable conditions and being neglected. There was pets brought in as their owners could no longer offer them a home and then there were two hamsters who were brought in by the police having been found dumped in the street. They were male and female and in a tiny cage, not good and I got quite annoyed at this stage that someone could do something like this to an animal so tiny and defenseless.

Then she introduced to me to a tiny underweight ball of fluff who, has been found at the same time as the two hamsters mentioned above in a tiny cage and on his own this time, he was scrawny and underweight but incredibly friendly and tame for all he had been through and my heart melted and my resolve weakened and that was it animal osmosis toke place in my house once more. He's been living with me a week and he's and amazing chap, hopefully what J said to me as we left "being dumped may be the best thing that happened to him" will prove true as he settles in his new home with a good size cage, lots of toys and lovely grub. I can see an improvement in the little mans condition already. His name, Pippin.

Here he is










This of course led to some anxieties on Sparkies part as he clearly thought he was been shoved to one side and replaced, this is certainly not the case and he need a lot of reassurance before he settled down and stopped yelling and demanding my attention at every opportunity bless him!

Labelling silliness

In the past few days I spotted these

On a bag of roast peanuts: warning contains nuts

On a yoghurt : Warning contains cows milk

On a box of paracetamol. : warning contains paracetamol, do not take with other paracetamol products.

On a box of sleeping tablets, zopliclone (not mine): May cause drowsiness

On a take out coffee: Warning Hot!

We really seem to live in a nanny culture where everyone is scared of being sued!

On a change of note I am still battling on, I am not going to, for the foreseeable future post any more about my ongoing struggles with my health as I think people must be sick of hearing by now and getting bored by it all so time for a change in blog focus for now. I have now got my youth counselling course work, it looks very in-depth and interesting. Also I have some exciting news, will post that very soon. I can't do so at the minute as I am posting from my mobile and the photos are on my laptop.

All signed up

I decided to bite the bullet and sign up for the "Diploma in Youth Counselling" as I am sure it will really benefit me and the children I support. I have added a link for some details.

Also I forgot to mention this in my last blog, I have been referred back to the hospital this time for tests to check my bone density and discuss whether or not treatment is required to protect my bones particularly in light of the fact that I need frequent course of oral steroids and there is a strong family history of osteoporosis, both parents and paternal grandma

Here comes the summer

Along with the rain, thunderstorms and associated power cuts, like the power cut we had at 3am this morning, trying to find your way to the bathroom in the pitch black is not my idea of fun, nor is being without a kettle.

Anyway the whole summer stretches out in front of me without the demands of study. I had a lovely e mail from Mr C today the tutor who marked my last essay and who will be my mentor next year in which he informed me that he was impressed with my academic ability particularly in light of the challenges that he knows I face.

But now what do I do with myself? I am considering undertaking a course in Youth Counselling which will greatly benefit my role within the church as "children's advocate". This role is far encompassing and covers a great deal but basically it means being there for a child should they need someone to talk to no matter what they want to talk about. The trouble is it costs £400.

In myself I am doing ok, I am off the steroids and aside from a couple of headaches I feel fine in myself at the minute, busy with work and looking forward to 16 days off in three weeks time. Again I have no real plans for this though sometime will be spent on preparing for my next module.

Today I am undertaking a special mission, a mission to get my nana a hamster so this evening I will be heading over to a local rescue to view the hamsters that they have in their care to see if there is one suited for my nana, I have one on reserve so I hope all will go well. I know it will have an amazing home. I am resisting strongly not to bring a little furry home for myself.

The 365 project has completely fell by the wayside, I will recommence it soon though. I am also giving some very serious thought as to what job I want to do when I change jobs, I know I want to do something different but I don't know what.

So thats me up to now.

Talking of steroids (and other things)

I am now on my fourth course this year, oh the joys of severe asthma.

I started to notice the other day that things were most starting to slide, I was using my inhaler more and needing more puffs to get things under control. It amuses (and bamboozles) me that on the label it says "take two puffs as required, do not exceed the stated dose", that is 200mg, my nebuliser deliverers 25x that amount and I can take up to 2 back to back along with atrovent. Anyway it doesn't say how much time to leave between the 2 doses so I just work along the lines of 10 puffs, oh well that will 5 lots of 2 puffs so I am not exceeding the dose! Taking two puffs sometimes works but often in the words of my late and much loved grandma "its like giving a donkey one oat". My GP has also advised that I may use up to 10 puffs at a time.

Then I starting waking at night more than normal and became increasingly breathless and wheezy on exertion. I have a test for this, and carry it out by walking up the stairs to my flat the more wheezy/breathless I get the more trouble I am in, in case your wondering I don't spend the day confusing the neighbours by constantly walking up and down the stairs to my flat. By Monday night I was feeling pretty rough and my pf was dropping to around 65% of what it should be, not a massive drop but a drop no less and one that I could really feel.

I sat in my flat knowing what I needed to do, start a course of steroids but I toyed with the idea hoping that it would magically get better by itself which of course it didn't and wouldn't. My reluctance comes from the fact that I really don't enjoy being on steroids because of both their long and short term side effects. By Tuesday morning it was obvious I could put it off no longer and so I now on my usual dose for a few days, I see my GP tomorrow for a review.

In reference to my earlier post, three or four posts ago about the emotional impact that recent events have had on me I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is as good as I am going to get but, I realise at the same time I have never really come to terms with having polyarthalgia and osteoarthritis either which was formally diagnosed in November last year. I am taking a low dose of anti depressant again something I really didn't want to do because it feels like I am not coping as well as I should be but, I really think right now that its the best option for me as I seem to on a bit of an emotional roller coaster, again something I don't like. I am scared as to what the future holds, this in turn is having an impact on my Christian faith. How can I propose to trust God and have faith in Him when I am scared what the future might bring?

Yet there is much that it is positive in my life and much to look forward to and I need to keep a positive outlook in my life, I feel that it is both vital and important. For example the other day after yet another bad night I got up early to find the piggies screaming for breakfast, so I gave them a small amount of food, planning to give them the biggest percentage of their breakfast later and I popped a small cabbage leaf on Harries head, those who have met Harry will back me up when I say he's not the brightest piggy in the world, he sat there occasionally gently trying to move the cabbage leaf off his head, seemingly oblivious that it was in fact his breakfast was on his head, while I stood and giggled helplessly. It was only when, 5 minutes later his cage mate Sparky removed it did he figure out the fact it was food. Its the little things that make life so special. Next week I am meeting up with my wonderful and now "famous" friend B (watch this space)and helping out with a childrens treasure hunt. Here's hoping that non of the children have recently had chicken pox as it has the potential to be very serious illness for me if I catch it. I have much to be grateful for and much to live for, its just a case of finding a way of fitting it all into my life and finding a way out of this rut that I seem to of got myself stuck into.

On a final note I mentioned that my consultant had discharged me, that is not strictly true. I am an "sos" appointments system for 2 years, that is if I feel I need to see at some point in the next two year I can if I need to book an appointment.

Steroids, clarifying a misconception.

For many asthmatics steroids form an important part of their asthma treatment, for some they are literally a life saver. Steroids are mainly administered via inhalers for example flixotide, budesonide, beclomethosone, symbicort and so forth. During acute phases of asthma steroid tablets or hydrocortisone may be needed. In rare cases asthma patients may need to take steroid tablets daily.

They have the potential to be a pretty nasty drug carrying lots of side effects, these almost always only arise from taking steroids tablets or high doses of inhaled steroids, in most cases were steroids are administered via the inhaled route the amount that enters the blood stream is minuscule if at all any.

Much has been made of in the press that Raoul Moat was addicted to steroids and that this may of contributed to his "rampage" and his mental health issues. The idea for this post was was formed in my mind the other day when my colleague commented, "Best be careful Louise, you might be the next with all the steroids you take".

I then proceeded to explain to him what I am going to to explain to you now, many people do not realise that there is more than one type of steroid and the steroid that he was abusing was very different to the one used to treat asthma and many other conditions but, the press fail as they often do, to make this clear. Right now I am guessing there may be people fearing the drugs they are taking, making them reluctant to take them and thus putting their health and lives at risk, at the same time there may well be loved ones scared about there mental health in light of what they have seen and read over the the past few days.

To clarify the facts the steroids used to treat asthma and many other other conditions are known as glucoorticoid steroids which, incidentaly also naturally produced by the the body. The form of steroid abused by Raoul Moat was anabolic steroid, this also has its medical uses but is frequently abused by body builders and its possession is illegal except of course for medical use.

I hope that anyone with concerns regarding the steroids they or their loved ones, work colleagues etc are prescribed now feel at least a little bit reassured that your/their medication, prescribed by the GP or specialist does not carry with it the added potential of causing you/them to go rampaging around Britain's highways, byways and countryside.

Confirmed....

I had a letter today from Glasgow Caledonian University confirming my marks and awarding me 74% overall for the module.

Yet again, as has been the case throughout the course I am at work when my results come in meaning that the scope for celebrating is severely curtailed.

A longer update will follow soon

And now for some good news..........

You may remember me posting a while back about the case study I was doing and the struggles I was facing as a result of being given a mere month to write what transpired to be a 16000 word case study.

I am not sure to this day how I completed it in time but, I did. I wasn't expecting to do that well given that it was written with such short notice and the struggles I had to face writing it. Plus the tiredness that went with it, it was exhausting.

Yesterday after 5 weeks wait I got my results, my results are as yet unconfirmed by the university academic board but, they rarely if ever change. I had a very pleasant suprise to discover that I have scored an amazing 70%. At first I was like great, yeah I have passed. I was three quarters asleep at the time then slowly it sank in and I couldn't help but feel slightly elated last night and happy.

I have one more module to go to get my graduate diploma, I have the honour of being the first person to sign up for next academic years module, starting 13th September. The new module is Crisis and Trauma Counselling Skills. I am really looking forward to this module as it is an area that I am really interested in and it brings together much of what I have already learnt.

Module Marks so far

Foundation Counselling Skills marks 50% and 55% module mark 50%
Grief and Bereavement Counselling Skills marks 60% and 61% module mark 60%
Couple and Family Counselling Skills marks 75% and 70% Module Mark 73%

Upside down

Life is all over the place at the minute. I have had a wonderful few days with friends but at the same time there are things going one which are bothering me I keep pushing them to the back of my mind but they keep popping forward. I am becoming increasingly unhappy in my job but, yet I lack the self confidence to look for another one. Rather, I lack the confidence to believe in my ability to get another job and so I fail to really make an effort in looking so far 3 potential jobs have passed me by. I have a very dear and close friend who is going through a terribly tough time at the minute and I feel helpless to help her, and I feel I am letting her down greatly and failing to support her fully.

There is also the issue of my health. I am somewhat reluctant to blog this lest it makes me sound like a self centred whinge with a massive chip on my shoulder, ungrateful for what I have got in comparison to others.

My asthma is fairly severe, it is also difficult, unstable and presents in a way that effects only a small number of asthmatics. In the words of my consultant, it is feisty and it presentation leads to a distressing level of breathlessness. For a long time I have lived with this, it has become normal to go out with two salbultamol inhalers, spacer steroids, nebuliser, spare batteries, salbutamol, atrovent and saline nebules in my bag along with the painkillers I also carry. It has become normal for my heart to sink at the sight of a warm day on the horizon, it has become normal to cough, wheeze and be breathless, it has become normal to fear the winter and the chest infections it brings, it has become normal to need to seek emergency care thtough out the year and need 4-6 courses of steroids each year and having to cancel much looked forward to events because I am too unwell, and it is normal to take tablets, inhalers and nebulisers throughout my day. The GPs receptionist has learnt that it is me when I ring by the sound of my voice. Yet none of this should be normal for a 36 year old. I live with it because I have to, recently I was at my local garden centre eating ice cream and nebbing, people walked past and stared. My immediate thought was "whats up have they never seen someone on a nebuliser before?" No, of course they haven't because its not normal. I don't want to be seen to seen wallowing in self pity or selfish but this is my life.

For years I have held out the hope for some miracle drug or for my asthma to settle, in fact it seems to of done the slight opposite and got slightly more unstable over the years. I kinda knew that this was probably was as good as I was going to get, particularly after my conversation with my chest consultant in January but I didn't want to admit to myself.

In May I saw my chest consultant, my lung function had fell a little, nothing major. He then asked how things are going. I told him, his response was along the lines of well the impact your asthma is having on your life is not acceptable but there is nothing more we can offer you. Its hard to put into words the impact had, to say that my quality of life is not acceptable brings home to me the fact that much that I have come to view as normal is in fact abnormal. I do have what I would term as a relatively good quality of life but I know that without my asthma and other health issues it could be better.

The worse bit to hear was this is as good as its going to get, because it made me sit back and take stock of how my life is. I kind of knew this anyway but didn't want to accept it but, to hear it said brings it home to me and the reality. Its scary to think that at 36 I face a lifetime of nebulisers, chest infections, being unwell, emergency hospital admissions and being different. I don't want this to be my life but I have to get my head round it. Yet I don't want to get my head round it because to do so means to accept my situation as it is and I don't want to accept it, I am scared right now. Its all confused and complex. And horrible. And I feel selfish feeling and thinking this way. He decided to try me on another drug, montelukast in the hope it may help a little but miracles are not expected. I think it may of helped slightly though the last two days it had been grumbling a bit.

My consultant then informed me that because his case load is getting bigger and the fact that there is nothing more he can offer me medically and I am not at high risk of dying from my asthma he is going to discharge me from his care. It felt like the final little bit of hope had been extinguished, that even my consultant had given up. Maybe I am overreacting I don't know.

I went to see my asthma nurse a few days later and she greeted me with, I know that there is nothing more we can do for you but we still need to see you yearly in clinic. Err thanks!! The trouble is everyone seems to focus on me being an illness, a pair of crap lungs but I am not I am a person and I wish those delivering the news would recognise this fact. I am a person, with a life, with friends and family. Don't just drop the bombshell, stop, think and regocnise the impact and do something that recognises me as a person. There have been very few people who have cared for me over the years that have reconised this fact. Its rarely how are you, how are you coping? More how is the asthma? I am more than that. I am me, please look closer!

Day threes photo

Here is day threes photo was hard to choose which one to use as there was so many to choose from it was taken on the Farne Islands, a place I referred to earlier. I loved it my camera was ridiculously frustrating though as it had no view finder and so many good photos were missed, I have an old fuji one which will fit the bill nicely but its old but I looked and there is a camera I would love but at just over £200 its going to be a while particularly given that my car is poorly and heading for the garage.



Day fours is coming up and believe me, its boring

Day 3

Day threes photo will appear when I decide which one to use....there are many.

Day 2

Here's day 2's photo. Its me after my make over that my friend B very kindly treated me to for my birthday, it was lovely and I really enjoyed being pampered. I learnt lots of new tips and tricks and can't wait to try them out for myself.

365 project

In light of my birthday one thing that I have decided to take part in is the 365 project, the idea being that you post a photo everyday to mark the day. I know this will be hard and challenging but at the same time interesting. I know there will be days that I could post hundreds of photos, other days it will be hard to find any. It is about what is important to me.

So starting from today I plan to take a photo everyday, I am sure it will be very interesting

Here's my first photo, its of Prince Harry and Sparky enjoying their treats that I picked up as an absolute bargain at Sainburies. £4.60 in opposed to £22.15

My birthday

To be honest my birthday hasn't been that brilliant at all. Nothing specifically went wrong but then again nothing specifically happened to mark it as my birthday, it was basically same as any other day with no semblance of celebration.

My day went as follows:-
Got up (or rather woken up, by 3 hungry (loud) mouths, fed and watered my gang
Washed up, hoovered up
Work for eight hours difficult day and meetings to attend, received one card from work colleague.
Supermarket as the hungry mouths, including mine had nothing particularly nice in to eat-spent around £6.00 on piggies, save nearly £18.00 in the same process.
Home, another card on door mat spoke to sister, had a couple of drinks now heading to bed

Have had a few texts and stuff during the day as well including one from South Africa.

So thats about it, the birthday that was. I have come come to the conclusion that though my Birthday was today the celebrations start tomorrow and I have some lovely things planned, will keep you updated.

It's my birthday!!

It's my brthday today, I am not revealing my age. My friend made the observation the other day in 10 years time I'll be 50. Cheeky sod, I will not be.

In some regards I don't like to make a fuss over my birthday, in a strange perverse way I feel a little uncomfy with celebrating it, for reasons relatingnto my childhood.

On the other side of the coin there is definately reason for celebration, basically I am kept alive by medication, medication that not only keeps me alive but also offers me a reasonable quality of life. These drugs have only become available in recent years and to that end I know that had I been born 20-30 years earlier in all likelihood I would not of lived this long, to that end I have a lot to rejoice in and ask God for wisdom in discerning his plans for me. A friend recently commented that I am blessingnto him, yet I fail to see how.

My birthday will be little different to normal get up, feed the piggies, go to work, attend meetings, come home, feed piggies and sit in my house, on my own for rest of evening watching rubbish telly so it's all a bit boring really.

Tomorrow and Thursday promises to be better days, tomorrow I have a make over booked and paid for by my very kind friend B. I am so looking forward to it, my only hope is the meeting I am due to attend, and simply have to go to and which cropped up after it's booking doesn't go on too long. Me and B are meeting up for coffee as well that aftenoon. On Thursday me and B are going, on a boat trip to. The Farne Islands, more specifically Staple Island. Then in the evening if all goes to plan me and B are going out for a meal and at the same time meeting up with two other friends P and C.

Work in progress

I came over to "blogger" tonight to discover that some significant changes have taken place within blogger and that now I am presented with a whole range of new options I have started changing things about and I like it so far but I would appreciate some feedback should anyone have any.

I have chosen a candle for many reasons, a candle for me signifies remembrance of loved ones who have passed away, namely my grandparents. It signifies light and hope for the future and in these difficult times that is vital for me, it helps in providing remembrance that no matter how dark things are there is a path forward and even the smallest amount of light shed can help guide the way and reduce the risk of me crashing into boulders, particularly given that at the moment I feel like I have also set fire to the map with the said candle the result is that I am now finding it hard to work out the way forward, (the batteries to my sat nav are flat). Most importantly it signifies the hope, light and way forward for the future offered by God in these difficult and uncertain times.

Time spent with friends

I had a fantastic time with P and L. We had a great laugh and it was great to catch up.

They arrived about 2.45pm, after driving around for 15 minutes trying to work out how to get to my house, my street was shut off because of road works. We spent a couple of hours chatting, laughing, cuddling the piggies and generally catching up. They presented me with an early birthday present, the first one was a heavy box which contained to my delight 36 bags of jelly tots, jelly tots are my vice. The second one was a goody bag for "the lads" they were delighted. We then headed to a very nice restaurant for a lovely meal where the laughter continued and I got in a right mess eating a "chocolate mountain". The joke was that I was wearing blue eyeshadow, lipstick and a brown blob on my chin!!. Following this we headed to my friend Bs house where they met B and her cat, my nephew Z. The laughter continued. On leaving Bs we went down to our revamped and renovated quayside before heading back to mine before they headed back to their hotel.

The following evening I went back over to B's she an amazing friend who has had a terrible time recently and we spent the evening planning, chatting, laughing and catching up.

Today I allowed two of my piggies out, I was most amused to see Sparky tip my cup containing water for my meds over and help himself to a drink. This evening my friend who I shall also refer to as P but not the same person as above came over and we had a lovely long chat and at the same time a bit of a giggle. He informed me that I am " blessing" to him. I have no idea what has put that strange belief into his head.

My friends are amazing and precious people.

My asthma is playing up and indirectly resulted in a problems arising at work so I am heading to the asthma clinic on Friday I know there is little they can do but thought I would toddle along anyway as my repeat script list informs me that I am due a review anyway. I will update my blog accordingly.

More planning for June

Tomorrow I have friends coming up from London for the day, I am really looking forward to seeing both P and L, I haven't seen P for over and year and L for possibly 4 or 5 years so I am really looking forward to their visit.

We haven't any rigid plans for the day, they should arrive here around 2.30pm and we may be going to see my friend B and later in the evening be heading out for a meal.

Ouch

There are many suggested ways that are supposed to guarantee a "flat stomach" I've discovered one way that I don't recommend, ironing it. Yep thats what I managed to do this morning.

On a more serious note I am beginning if there is any right way to come to terms with what my consultant has said, some days I seem to take more steps backward that forward and I am beginning to wonder if I now should of come to terms with it but, the problem is as I think I already have said in many respects I don't want to get my head round because to so would mean having to accept that this is now the way my life will be and I don't want that to be the case. This is hard. I am then being hard on myself for feeling this way and beating myself up mentally for not pulling myself together and getting my head round it particularly given the fact there are many people in much worse position than myself.

Plans for June

This month looks all set to be a busy month.

I a fortnights time I head back onto night duty for 8 weeks I volunteered for it but now it doesn't seem like such a good plan, the only upside is 4 days off a week in the summer months and extra money.

Hopefully at some point this month I will get my essay results, I get so impatient waiting for my results. I think I have passed, just. But even a pass of 41% will give me an overall mark of 66% for the module so really I have little to worry about I am just anxious to know I have passed.

On a more exciting note its my birthday this month even though I will be on the the wrong side of 30 in that I will now be nearer 40 than 30 (how scary is that!!!) I have a lovely birthday planned. On the 16th my friend B is very kindly indeed paying for me to enjoy a makeover at my local MAC counter at Fenwicks. I am looking forward to some much needed pampering. Then on the 17th June we will be heading over to the Farne Islands, a year later than planned. We planned to do this last year for my birthday but the weather was most definitely against us, resulting what was very spectacular weather. there are a also another couple of days out on the agenda but I think they are more likely to happen next month in opposed to this month but I will update this blog should further developments occur.

Then on the night of the 17th myself and a few friends hopefully, if they will cater for her including B we are going out for a meal. This initially was not for my birthday but I think my birthday will be celebrated as well so, it will be an extended birthday celebration which I think is warranted given that I am a late shift on the actual day of my birthday.

Yippee!!

Just woke up, the weather is glorious and I am not at work. Heading outside with my guinea pigs soon as they so adore the warm weather and will be so happy to be outside, I love to see then jump and kick in delight at the feeling of the sun on their backs.

Further explanations

I have just come back from 4 amazing nights away one night at Nottingham, at a party to celebrate my sisters wedding. Some people where amazed that I got someone up dancing who had not taken to the dance floor for 20 years. I caused some amusement by sticking my inhaler in the top of my dress. At the beginning of the night we were given a free glass of champagne. Except I had 5 free glasses.

The next 3 nights were spent in the Lake District where I got caught up, indirectly in the horror of yesterday. My thoughts go out to the families of the dead and injured, let us not forget too the devastating effect it must be having on the perpetrators family, they are just as much his victims as those he shot killed and maimed. I feel that it makes my struggles in coming to terms with my own current situation almost inappropriate and irrelevant in light of the bigger picture of what has happened.

My last post was written on my mobile while sitting on the beach at Arnside, I have really appreciated having the time out. I always feel so much closer to God when the business of day to day life is allowed to melt into the back ground.

Having time out also gave me time to stop, think and reflect. These last few weeks have been incredibly busy and have allowed little time for this, yet much has happened both work wise, personally and individually and I needed time to process it all. Some of it easy to do, some of it harder.

The one thing that I really needed to do was process what my consultant had told me and I will at some time soon dedicate a post to it however, at this stage I feel not quite ready to do this. In my last post I referred to the fact that I needed to change the focus of my life on reflection I don't think it is so much changing the focus of my life that I need to do but rather re adjust my life in order to come to terms and learn to live with the fact that this is it.

This is proving to be a massive challenge to me as I have come to realise that while I need to come to terms with thing and get my head around it at it were I don't want to, because to do so would be to accept that this is what my life is going to be like and I really don't want to accept that. But I know I have to, and I can't work a way through it, it's like trying to pick a pathway through dense woodland in thick fog. I know I will get there but right now not sure how.

During this time the words of Jeremiah 29 v 11 keep going around my head

"For I know I have plans for you" declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

Looking back, looking forward

On the 18th May I saw my chest consultant and was given news that really shouldn't of come as a suprise but it did. I think hearing said to me, to my face has forced me to have to face my situation and it's hard. And it hurts, a lot. It's difficult to come to terms with and there has been a lot of tears as I have tried to come to terms with my situation and get my head round it, which often results in it all spilling out my ears. I realise now that I have and always will have a "life limiting disease" which will impact my life on an almost daily basis not just I'm terms of the medication I need to take but also the symptoms I will have to live and cope with. I know many people have to face far worse and I do not want to come across as someone full of self-pity with a "woe is me" attitude!

I will post more about it at a later date but, reflecting upon it I relise that the the time has come to change my outlook on life and That this should be reflected in my blog. For some time I have felt that my blog should be more encompassing of my whole life particularly as my studies and reflection upon then forms only a small part of this blog. This is not to say that my blogs focus will change to me asthma, rather the focus will be on living every aspect of my life in light of what my consultant told me. I hope this makes sense.

Watch this space, and just to note the blog web address remains the same though the title will not.

Mixed news

First the good news and then the bad

Firstly and I am not sure how I got my case study in on time, all 16000 words/50 pages of it. It was hell, I was in so much pain at the end that I felt physically sick but daren't take my tramadol as it make me drowsy and I couldn't afford that to happen. I have come so far and to loose my graduate diploma on that was too much to contemplate.

Secondly, the bad news I saw my chest consultant the other day and effectively the light at the end of tunnel has had the bulb removed. I feel rather fragile at the minute, I know that there are others in a far worse position than me and I feel selfish feeling this way over it but its crap and I hate it. Added to this I had an asthma attack last night and this morning it remained bad so off to the doctors I went and was issued with a course of prednisolone and a further "rescue course" so we shall wait and see.

Sparky my guinea pig has been rather poorly but he is most definitely on the mend now, this was demonstrated this morning when he went completely back end over off the top of his bed with paws flying everywhere and a idnignated look at the end which said to his mum who laughing her head off "you didn't see that did you?" We head back to the vets for a check up in the morning.

Hanging on by my fingertips

This is hard, bloody hard.

I am exhausted and in a lot of pain, sitting for long periods of time at typing away does no favours for my joints resulting in them stiffening up and becoming increasingly painful, which is slowing me down. Tonight after trying a variety of approaches with the aim managing my pain which normally works out of desperation I took the maximum recommended dose of my tramadol, which is double what I am prescribed other than leaving me feeling nauseous I don't seem to have experienced to many ill effects from it.

I have come so close to giving up but I can't allow myself to do this I have come so far and battled through too much too give up now, plus I owe to, too many people to keep going. I have the support of my friend who have been amazing over the past few days supporting me and pushing me on.

I am going to bed know with a planned start of 9am tomorrow.

I'm back!

Well its time for a very quick update.

Italy was amazing as was the wedding, the town the wedding was held in was gorgeous and the day itself was warm and sunny. Rome was much busier, manic in fact. Was amazing to see some of the many sights. As I overheard someone, "to little time-to much city". Watch out for photos, there will be a blog post dedicated to my week in Italy.

I am still plodding along with my essay, I was awarded a short extension which makes my life a bit easier but I am struggling to keep motivated as its such a demanding essay and I am expected to write what equates to in terms of word count a dissertation in a month.

So I will be off now and continue my studying. See you on the other side.

Update

Well its been a while since I last blogged so time for an update.

My essay is progressing not as quickly as I would of liked but it is getting there.

The guests Fred and Barney went onto their foster home a couple of weeks ago, the lady who collected them and I have promised to keep in touch as we both love piggies. Fred and Barney have, since their arrival in foster care been offered a wonderful forever home which is great news for them.

Its not long now till I fly out to Italy and the wedding, the events with the volcanic ash cloud worried me greatly, as did it my sisters. The news that the navy were getting involved along with it been announced that the situation may go on for several months combined with infromation that its next door neighbour, a much bigger volcano may also erupt filled me with dread. I wasn't bothered about making it to Italy, I was worried about letting my sister down. It will certaintly be a great wedding story to tell in in the years to come. I feel very sorry though for those trapped abroad and those who lost long awaited holidays as a result of the ensuing chaos.

Me and B didn't make it to South Lakes Animal Park. Unfortunately my asthma chose to play up, whether it was a result of the fall out of the ash cloud or not is debatable but the end result was I had only 1 hours sleep certainly not enough to safely drive my car. So instead we have planned to go in June and spend a few nights at a youth hostel. However we did manage the planned fireworks on the evening. The fireworks were bought for bonfire night however, it is only now that we have found time to set them off.

The next few days are to be dedicated to preparing for my hols and packing so if you don't hear from me for a while this is why.

By for now

Appeal

Further to the other days email I have decided to appeal against the Universities decision by emailing my tutor. In my e mail I have explained, with proof that I was told that I would not have to complete the essay that I have now been set.

I doubt I will get any where as the one thing I have learnt about my university is that they are very rigid and everything is very much set in stone. What says goes and the student has no say at all.

Will keep you posted.

Update: Appeal failed

EEEEKKKKK!!

Last year I did the end of semester B essay a year early.

The end of semester B assessment was to attend the summer school and write a 1000 word reflection on what I had learnt. Because of my sisters forth coming wedding I attended the summer school a year early and in the space of only a few days wrote the essay, passing with 50%. Great I thought all done and dusted.

With the passing of my essay in January I thought I can kick back, relax and look forward to a year off from essays. Then this morning an e mail arrived in my in box informing due the fact that the course has been reviewed and last years essay and subsequent pass no longer stood and I would need to redo it for the 14th May.

This essay though has to include a 15 minute recorded counselling session carried out either role play or a real couple and a 1500 word essay. I am now very busily ringing around friends asking to borrow them. I have one agreed victim just need the second one now. Waiting her phone call.

Lipstick on my nebuliser

Over the years I occasionally skirted with the idea of wearing make up starting with the most horrendous brand going "Constance Caroll". They have improved since the days I wore it, but I remember had a coveted garish pink lip stick that didn't last 5 minutes and looked horrendous, I thought I looked great.

Over the years I have had an on/off relationship with make up, more off than on. My mother was never into wearing make up my my grandma took pains to ensure that we knew how the wear it properly. I find it uncomfortable and a faff.

When my sister got married three years I go I headed out and bought all the brands on special offer, many of them I was uncomfortable wearing and most of it was never worn again.

The my other sister announced her wedding and I thought great, same thing again. However this time i have carried out a large amount of research bought some of the better brands and at last feel comfy wearing make up. Having spent what amounts to a large amount of money on make up my sisters have challenged me to start wearing it again so I am. I feel a little like a teenager, trying different looks and colours but I am thoroughly enjoying myself. Last night I went to church with my full make up on and was really encouraged to be met by someone commenting how nice I looked wearing its nice to be told stuff like that as I still lack confidence in wearing it. But, what has really amazed me is how much better I feel with a bit of make up on when I am feeling unwell.

All change

Lots of things are happening here, some mundane whereas others are exciting.

My studies are going well there is just the issue of sorting out my semester B essay which I did a year early. This time last year in fact so I am hoping that I don't need to re sit it as I passed it without problems.

My health continues to be very up and down at the minute my joint problems are causing me significant problems but I have already blogged enough about this previously so I won't expand much on this other than to say I am in a a great deal of pain at the minute, I am very grateful for being prescribed strong painkillers. It is presenting me with some concern as this flare has been more painful than usual. I am hoping that this is just a blip rather than an indication that my joint problems are deteriorating as they inevitably will.

Earlier in the week I broke my mobile phone, a real pain in the neck I took it over to the store where I bought it from and who I have insurance through and was informed that I would need to pay £50 excess for the repairs which didn't please me. I was even less pleased given the fact that I had less than 4 months on my contract and my current contract does not meet my usage thus my bills are expensive. I explained this to the sales person and he told me to go and sit down in one of the chairs provided which I did. After a few minutes natter with the sales guy I came out £110 in my pocket to pay off my current contract, and a new contract that meets my usage needs. Plus I got the phone I really wanted, free. The iphone. I know that they have been very hyped up and some may argue, over hyped. But, it is brilliant and there is a wide range of apps many of them free or costing a few pennies. Instead of carrying my bible with me as I always do I now have a study bible on my i phone. I have put lots of other apps on it, some of my favourite CDs and have down loaded lots of pod cast. The only drawback with it is that when in use its heavy in the battery.

In three weeks time my middle sister will be married, and I will be in Italy. She is getting married in Italy at the end of the month a very exciting though expensive holiday looms. Not only will I be attending the wedding but I am also her bridesmaid and will have the honour of giving her away. I am spending two nights in the south of Italy where the wedding is to be held and then a few nights in Rome.

While I am away my piggies will be staying with a friend. Sadly there have been a number of issues arising with their regular sitter to the point that it seems our friendship will inevitability fizzle out, its sad and difficult to deal with. I have tried a number of avenues to try and resolve the issues but to no avail and I feel that I know have to accept the inevitable. She no longer wishes to remain in the friendship.

Anyway my friend who lives just up the road has kindly offered to take my piggies, I am not sure that she knows what she is letting herself in for but I know that they will be well cared for and loved. Thomas is a lone pig as he has fell out with previous cage mates. Its a situation I am not comfortable with, although I have no real desire to have four piggies at the same time I am conscious that they like the company of their own kind and I am fearful he is getting lonely sitting in his cage all day on his own. So to this end my friend M has offered to try and bond Thomas with a piggy called Bob, M helps run a small animal rescue and Bob is a lone boar who is very lonely on his own. He has also been in rescue since his birth last year, he is now 10 months old and really needs a loving forever home. I am not convinced it will work out but I hope it does for both of them. The trouble is also that I have seen pictures of Bob and have fell in love, it would not be practical or fair on Bob to take him in on his own though, so unless he and Tommy get on he will continue to look for a new home. This is Bob

Just before I head off to Italy I am going to South Lakes Animal Park with my friend B and at the same adopting her a giraffe. Just to note it will remain at the animal park, we will not be bringing it home with us.

My guests Fred and Barney are still with me but they may be moving on to permanent fosters in a few days time. I will miss them greatly but its another step for them on the route to a loving, caring forever home.

So lots happening at this end and as I said at the beginning of my post some are exciting and some are pretty mundane.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter to everyone.

Enjoy.

Christians discriminated against?

This caught my eye in the news. I don't know what evidence he has to base his opinion on but I am inclined to agree with him. It may be argued that as a practicing Christian I too am biased but living in this country I feel that I have a right to practice my faith but I feel that Christianity and what it stands for is increasingly becoming side lined. Next weekend is Easter weekend, during which Christians celebrate one of the key tenants of our faith. The death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, our Saviour and Lord yet society has reduced it to fluffy bunnies, cute looking chicks and chocolate Eggs. Like Christmas it has become commercialised and an opportunity for the likes of Tesco and Cadburies to rake in the coffers. We have lost the real meaning and focus of Easter.

Christmas itself has been reduced in many places "A winter festival" for fear of offending those from other cultures and faiths and while I am totally against discrimination are we ourselves not being discriminated against? Increasingly it seems, we are frightend to express our beliefs and cultures for fear of offending those from a culture not our own. It is my belief that this is one of root causes of the discrimination experienced. I love living in what is a multi-cultural society but, how can it ever be fully multi-cultural if our own culture and Christians beliefs become sidelined for fearing of upsetting those whose culture and beliefs are not our own. Surely there must be a way to integrate our culture and the Christian faith from which our culture takes many of its roots with other faiths and cultures without our culture and Christian faith being watered down or even abolished altogether?

Another aspect of it is the fact that in my opinion people are often more accepting of other faiths than they are of the Christian faith and there are many reasons for this. As a student I sat in my room in the halls terrified while abuse was shouted at me through the walls of room, the reason for this was the fact I was a Christian, yet I felt powerless to take action.

There may be other reasons also and other Christians may have had different experiences. My opinion is that these are difficult times for Christians and it will get tougher We need, as Christians rise about it and allow our light, fueled by the love of Jesus Christ to shine out to society even if we do not share our faith people need to be able to see our faith lived out day by day. We need to be the light upon a hill shining out for all to see.

One week on

Its been a week since I started my new painkillers and its time to consider how they are working before my appointment with my GP this afternoon.

Tonight I am having a bad night with pain but I have taken a couple of paracetamol, the pain is now back under control and soon I will be heading back to bed. So are they working for me? In a word, yes.

I have experienced no significant or problematic increase in my respiratory symptoms and my pain is under better control. At night it is lovely to go to bed and expect a decent nights sleep, yes tonight is a bad night but my bad nights have been reduced by 50% from last week, the other bad night may of been because I had taken it earlier than normal. I feel so much better in myself both mentally and physically because I am more rested. Some of my friends have commented upon the fact I look better. When I get up its less off a struggle to get going and get motivated and I am not struggling to keep awake by 4 o'clock. I am physically more active which can only be a positive thing both for my joints and mental health and because I am more awake I am taking better care of myself even to the point of contemplating wearing a little bit of make up again when I am not at work (though I am allowed to) and on special occasions, again this can only be a good thing for my mental and physical health.

During the day I am also reaping the benefits, aside from being more awake, more motivated and generally feeling better in myself. Its great to take my painkillers and not have to be clock watching for the most of the day. I take it when I get up (or 12 hours after the previous tablet) and rather than thinking along the lines of when I next need to take my painkillers, I am now thinking along the lines of I don't need to take my painkillers till such and such a time which psychologically is much better. Its great not to be clock watching and being concerned about the fact that if I don't take it in time pain will intrude my day. Yes I do still get pain but its at a level I can cope with, if things do get uncomfortable two paracetamol does the trick of getting it to a manageable level, most people with chronic pain have a level of pain that they have learnt to live with.

So all in all it has been very positive my only hope is that this afternoon my GP will prescribe it on a permanent basis.

The other question I had been wondering about is that my rheumotoligist recommend I try gentle exercise to help my joints but I was unsure as to what may help my hands which do get very stiff and sore particularly in winter. My sister who has successfully run an arts project with the elderly found that clay modeling was very helpful in reducing pain and stiffness in those who have arthritic hands, I am going to try some playdo albeit reluctantly because I know that I end up feeling like a child.

Earth Hour

Tonight at half past eight "Earth Hour" was marked, details of which can be found here

I decided that it was a very good idea to support this as we are slowly killing our beautiful planet with our carbon emissions. I appreciate that their are many other contributers to this but the wasteful use of electricity is certainly one of them. Walk down your local high street and how many neon signs are glaring, how many shop fronts are needlessly lit up? Closer to home how often do you make a cup of tea and leave the kitchen light on? I think this song goes someway to further highlighting the problem.

So at half eight last night I grabbed an extra duvet knocked my heating down a little, switched my off my laptop, modem, phone, C.D player, kettle, t.v and finally the lights and then lit a few candles bringing back memories of summer time thunderstorms as a child when all the lights went out. Then I realised I had nothing to do, bringing home the reality of how reliant we are on electricity and the world resources thus bringing a timely reminder of why we need to care for the planet. I grabbed a book instead and curled up by candle light to read. I then went to grab my mobile phone so that I could keep an eye on the time so I knew when to switch my lights back on and discovered that my battery was flat and being "Earth hour" meant I could not recharge it. So I employed my kitchen clock and sat, by candle light an hour. Here are some photos of the event.

Its a pain in more ways than one

I went to visit my doctor yesterday and explained the problems that I was facing in terms of pain management and asked if could I please try a modified release version of my current painkiller, tramadol. My G.P to be fair was good and listened to what I had to say, it has often been my experience that doctors do not take chronic pain and the impact that it has on a persons quality of life seriously despite calls for it to be recognised an illness in its own right. For some time arthritis care has been calling for people to recognise the fact that though arthritis does not kill it can take your life, when my arthritis flairs up my quality of life is significantly diminished and I feel I age 30 years overnight and my mental health suffers also in response both to the pain and the lack of sleep resulting from the pain.

My G.P agreed to the change very reluctantly due to the fact that I am a known severe asthmatic and tramadol can cause respiratory suppression and one of my other medications for another of my health issues can increase this risk, particularly if an overdose is taken. Something I am not planning to do. If respiratory suppression occurs in me it is more hazardous and whereas "standard tramadol" takes 4-6 hours to clear my system, the modified release version will take up to 12 hours.

He offered to prescribe me another pain killer which carries a much lower potential risk of respiratory suppression. The problem with this solution was three fold, one it is not as strong as tramadol, two it only offers effective pain relief for a 4-6 hours thus defeating the whole object of me trotting along to see my GP in the first place and thirdly I would loose the flexibility my current regime offers me as the pain killer offered was a combination of both paracetamol and dihydrocodiene meaning that it would be all or nothing. My current regime consists of both paracetamol and tramadol which I can take either together or separately thus offering three different options in terms of pain management to be reduced to one did not appeal to me. Also if my pain is only mild I do not want to be "forced" to take a painkiller stronger than my pain warrants.

After some discussion it was decided that I would give tramadol modified release a go for a week and I am to see my G.P again next week to discuss the outcome before making a final long term decision. Its frustrating the way one illness impacts another. I have take two so far one yesterday morning and one last night and so far it has proved effective and there has been no significant impact on my asthma so fingers crossed all will go well.

Another early morning

Its half 4 and I am up again in pain, I ended up loosing most of yesterday as I slept quite a lot. I am seeing my GP on Monday. I have decided to try means and ways of dealing with the discomfort that I feel right now through distraction, I have a few Tekeshis Castle programs recorded which are always good for a laugh.

I also have colouring books and crayons, yes I know I am in my 30's and yes, it does make me feel like a child but I find it really finding it relaxing good for distraction. I have piggies to cuddle as well Sparky is awake, convinced its time for breakfast. The guests are busy as well, I can here them moving around.
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I also have some studying to be getting on with as well

Asthma kills!

This appeared in the news. It is an extremely sad story, the boys death could of been avoided as can around 80% of all asthma deaths. On average 1600 people die of an asthma attack each year by these statics thats around 1250 people a year that should still be alive.

It is my opinion that people often do not take asthma seriously enough, it is often misconceived as a mild illness that only needs a couple of puffs of an inhaler a day to keep under control, it can be but at the other end of the scale there are people for whom their asthma is severe and life limiting. Having mild asthma however does not mean that a person can not die of asthma, they can and do.

People, I feel need to be made aware of the potential seriousness of asthma, the importance of carrying and using their reliever (blue) inhalers and the importance of getting help if things are getting worse or medication is not helping and I really hoe that the boys deaths is not in vain and that it serves to increase peoples awareness of the potential seriousness of asthma.

The guests

These are my foster boys, they are lovely boys very sweet but rather underweight and evidently haven't been handled much as they are very nervous and jumpy. It is lovely though to watch day by day them gain in confidence and their characters and personalities develop and helps me to keep my focus on some of the good aspects of my life in these difficult times. They are called Fred and Barney, they started as Fudge and Smudge but their owner didn't know who was who(?). He had got them got them from his cousin some 18 months ago. Barney is on the left, Fred is on the right.

Looking back on my blog I realise that I have failed to write a post about my own three guinea pigs so maybe they will be the focus of my next post.

Tough times

Things aren't good at the moment, I am going through a pretty bad flair up of my polyarthalgia. This is the reason why I am blogging at 6am, the pain has only allowed me to enjoy an hours sleep and I am exhausted. It's very frustrating as I wanted to dedicate today to catching up with some studying. I am feeling low and depressed. When I awoke at 4am I was in a lot of discomfort but unable to take anymore pain relief till now. Today I am going to make an appointment with my GP to discuss the possibility of changing my tramadol to a sustained release preparation in the hope that it will allow for better nights sleep.

I hate the fact that I am struggling so much I feel that it makes me a negative person and that then makes me feel even worse and so develops a viscous circle. Facing chronic illness relatively young makes me feel so different to other people of the same age and a burden and a nuisance I tend to put a smile on my face with the aim of camouflaging my feelings and so protecting others from how I am feeling but, there are days I get so fed up with it all. My friend P has known for sometime that I am really struggling but despite his asking what is bothering me I have kept quiet not wanting to burden him further and tried unsuccessfully to hide my feelings from him. Tonight I confessed how much I was struggling, I was scared of P's reaction I do not know why, yet P thanked me for my frank and honest "confession" and admitted their own struggles with my illness, their frustration of feeling so helpless when I am ill and being unable to do anything to make my situation better.

I think that a persons recent comment has contributed in a least some way to how I am currently feeling. The comment went something like this. "I don't know how you cope, if I was in your shoes I would stick my head in a gas oven" The perception been from the persons comment is that a life of chronic illness not worth living, the quality of life being reduced to the point that there is no quality and it is best to end it. I cope because that is the only choice I have and chronic illness makes me appreciate the smaller things in life and the true preciousness of life. The company of friends and family, a warm summers day, the birds singing, a much loved pets excitement of "mummy" coming home and so forth. It is not for us to question the life God has given us though it is only natural that we do so, it is up to us to make the most of the life God has given us and try, where possible to live it to the full within the realms of the limitations life presents.

Writing about it on my blog leaves me feeling that I am turning this blog into something negative but, it is my blog and an outlet for my feelings, a place where I can share my lows as well as my highs.

I am trying to look at the positives and the good aspects of my life the fact that I do have a lot to offer despite my health issues, I have some amazing friends particularly B and P, I have my wonderful piggies which contribute to my quality of life and I am Auntie Louise to my friends cat Z and I have achieved a lot in my life.

Just where do they get their facts from?

This appeared today on the BBC website and had me stitches where do children learn these facts from or where did they even get their ideas from.

There were a couple in particular that really amused me

"Newton invented the Internet" That would mean the Internet was invented before PCs, a couple of hundred years before the invention of PCs.

"The Queen invented the phone" If that was the case then how did they connect to the Internet before the invention of the phone and presumably, phone lines.

Ranting foster mummy

Tomorrow afternoon I will have 2 foster children to care for, two boys. I am going to collect them around 4pm from Yorkshire, settle them in the car, drive home and then on arrival home place them in the bath were they will be sleeping for the next few days.

If you are heading at speed to your telephone to contact social services, stop. Now. Why? you may be asking. It simple, these foster children are two guinea pigs and before you call the RSPCA their travel box (or rather my friends cats travel box) will serve as a house for them and will join them in the bath and the bath will be lined with towels so that their poor little feet don't get cold when taking some exercise in the bath.

I volunteered to collect these lads, the gentleman who is currently housing them doesn't have the space for them. They are not his piggies though, they are his cousins I am unsure as to the reason why they have chosen to rehouse them.

The plan is that they will stay here for around a week and then head on to the rescue after my next set of nights off (I am back in on Saturday) however in between me offering to collect them and now the rescue has become inundated with unwanted guinea pigs and his fosters are also full, so I have informed him that I can foster them till the back end of April if need be. Its so, so sad though that so many pets that could offer their owners so much love and joy become unwanted and treated as disposable thus ending in rescues. It makes me angry, very angry. All pets have a right to a loving, caring forever home and my hope is that each and everyone of them goes off to a home much better than their current one. It has always been my opinion that when a pet is sent off to a rescue, unwanted that they can't off being receiving much love and attention in their homes because if they had their owners would of realised what delightful animals they are and how much a pet can offer and the enrichment it can bring to their lives and having realised all this they would never be able to part with their pet. I know that some owners are forced to give up their pets for genuine reasons and are heartbroken by this fact. It is not these people I am referring to.

Many of these pets are unwanted Christmas presents, in the words of one rescue "is March dump your pet month?", my belief is that the film G-Force has added to the number of children wanting guinea pigs, but the reality is that guinea pigs are nothing like what they are portrayed in the film. Its a sad fact of life pets are bought as cute babies but then they grow up (to me they remain cute), time moves on and the owner (often a child) becomes bored. Parents can't be bothered with caring for the pet themselves (it is actually illegal for a child under 16 to be given total responsibility for a pet) and so off they go to rescue . It is not really the child's fault, the parents need to think very carefully of what they are taking on and though the pet is for the child the whole family needs to take responsibility for the care and welfare for the pet. There is evidence to suggest that children who have pets as children are less selfish and more considerate of the needs of others.

The parents need to be involved in caring for the pet encouraging the child along the way to be involved with their pets care and reminding them of the importance of ensuring that their pet gets the very best care through out its life and doing their best to maintain the child's interest in their pet, as with anything you get out what you put in, you reap what you sow. What sort of signal does it send out to the child that when they get bored they send their pet off to rescue? What sort of messages does that send out about life in general.

Sorry if I seem to have got onto my soap box a bit but its something that is very important to me. This afternoon I was approached by a someone who is waiting for a rescue place for their guinea pigs, the rescue currently being full. They asked me if I would foster theirs as well as the two I have already agreed to, sadly there is not enough room at the inn for them all. Their reason, they let their heart rule their head and with little consideration of the costs involved acquired 9 animals and now realise they have bitten off more they can chew and they simply can't afford to keep that many so off to the rescue they go.

Before you get a pet. THINK. THINK LONG AND HARD!

Evolution

I have a few plans for this blog, for one there will be a new title as I feel it's current title "narrows my blog down" I am even toying with the idea of going back to word press. Watch this space.

I will really welcome any feedback on the changes that I make

Snowball

Sorry I haven't post for a while sometimes I am not sure what to blog about as my life seems well, boring.

There is much happening here I am busy with work I have just started an 8 week stint of nights, my friend B is in hospital I am doing my best to help and support B and my sisters wedding is looming large in the horizon. On Friday I am heading into Yorkshire to collect two guinea pigs for a rescue. Please anyone reading this, if you plan to get a pet think it through very, very carefully. A pet is for life, they are great fun and can add a very special extra dimension to your life but their is price to pay both personally and financially so please think about it carefully before you commit. Can you offer your potential pet a a loving, caring home for life? My personal opinion is, is that the costs involved in having a pet are hardly noticed if you genuinely love and care for your pet because they give you so much you will want to ensure that your pet has a happy life where it is cosseted and loved.

Anyway moving on, the winter is dragging on and my arthritis is really playing up. Last night I woke in severe pain though I lay in my bed for several minutes trying to work out what was wrong before twigging. I got up feeling totally fed up, I was exhausted and needed sleep. B, despite being in hospital was on hand via text message to support me and Sparky was more than happy to act as an extra hot water bottle and sit with me, enjoying the attention and cuddles. I had a hot bath, hot chocolate, hot water bottle and lots of painkillers and around 5am I settled back off to sleep not waking again till 2pm. I awoke feeling achy like I had been kicked by a horse so had more painkillers and rested for the rest of the day.

At 7pm as I waited for my painkillers to work I decided to try a "heat rub", I usually use "deep heat" but my nana recommended the one she uses, claiming its better than deep heat. I can't remember its name and given that its now in the bin I can't even check it. I rubbed it into my back, left wrist and both ankles. Within minutes the areas concerned became red and began to itch, I was soon scratching like a cat with a serious flea infestation. It because very obvious, very soon that to add to the problems that I already had I was suffering from an allergic reaction. I took an anti-histamine and some steroids to protect my lungs and had a long soak in a bath with a lot hydromol bath oil added, hydromol is what I am prescribed for my eczema. I got out the bath and noticed that the redness had become much more wide spread and I looked like I had been scolded though my bath water was not that hot and I still couldn't stop scratching. I lathered myself with both steroid cream and hydromol moisturiser. It seems to have settled down a lot but I am still itchy. Tonight has not been a good night.

Reflections and encouragement

First of all I am poorly, again! Another round of nebs, steroids and sitting in the walk in centre is the order of the day but, despite this I am not feeling too bad in the grand scheme of things.

Anyway moving on, the one thing that has been on my mind this week is the fact many people want to study but yet are put off by a number of factors, each individual to the person.

If you are facing this dilemma or there is something you want to do go for it, follow your dreams. I never imagined in a million years that I would get where I am today. I was written off at school and left with very few qualifications yet the dream to be a go to university burned within me and I followed that dream. Yes, it has been harder than I could ever imagine along with the joys there have been tiredness, tears and frustration. There have been many difficulties and sleepless nights along the way. I passed my Dip HE in 1998 but I wanted to go further and this is what I have done and achieved. There have been the difficulties of juggling a job, being a "carer", managing my own health problems but with determination and the support of many I have got there.

Don't see potential problems and difficulties as barriers to achieving what you to achieve, see them as hurdles to get over, hills to climb, challenges to face.

Good luck.

Shocked, stunned and delighted

Well its time for some good news. Some news that is only just sinking in and I feel tearful writing this but they are tears of happiness.

Four weeks ago I submitted my semester A essay, an essay that accounts for 75% of my year mark. An essay that has a reputation as a bit of a bitch. Last year only one person scored over 50% and all admitted struggling with it (I did the summer school a year early as it would clash with my sisters wedding) so I was dreading this essay. I was already miles behind due to my health problems and felt like I was wading through treacle then in early January my friend B was admitted to hospital and was very poorly for a few days placing me further behind, though I sat at her bedside while she was sleeping and studied. This is not a complaint aimed at B, she is an amazing friend and my friends will always come first however, it made things a bit more complicated. What made things even more difficult was the fact Britain was in the grip of "the big freeze" leaving my car was stranded at the side of the road like a beached whale thus forcing me to resort to using public transport meaning that what was usually a 15 minute drive to the hospital took over an hour.

I battled on with the essay but really struggled with it often crying with frustration, I spoke to my tutor who very kindly offered to bend the rules a bit and allow me an extension but I slept very little and ended up exhausted but submitted it was. By the time it was submitted I was already starting to feel the first effects of the chest infection that was to put me in hospital a few days later.

I have been waiting anxiously for my results since then, knowing that I could not face going through it all again if I had to resubmit it but knowing that I would have no choice but to do otherwise. My feeling was that I had passed, just. A fortnight ago my tutor e mailed me to say that I had passed but wouldn't release the mark to me until the external examiners had met, that set alarm bells ringing. My thinking was, and I shared my thoughts with B that if I had passed I had just passed and that is why they had not released my marks to me for they were concerned that if they told me my mark and then the external examiners down graded my mark I would of had my hopes dashed, being told I had passed only to be told a few days later sorry no you haven't and you will have to resit it.

Today an e mail landed in my in box. What I read left me gobsmacked and shocked, so shocked that I promptly emailed my tutor to ensure that the contents of the email was was true. I have scored 75% which is a distinction (or a first in degree terms). The news is still sinking in.

God is good.

Turning frustration into something positive

I am continuing to recover slowly from my chest infection/asthma attack. It has to be said that my physical recovery is going better that my psychological recovery. I am guessing that because I have so busy concentrating on getting better physically I haven't really had a chance to focus on the psychological aspects, now that I need to focus less on the physical aspects of recovering the psychological aspects are raising their ugly head something I was told to expect but I still found overwhelming when it started hitting me.

I am still off work but hope to go back to work this week (fingers crossed) I was planning to go back last week but when I went to see my GP on Monday for a check up he sounded my chest and informed me said there was still some inflammation in my left lung therefore he gave me another weeks sicknote.

Moving on, in my last post I made reference to the fact that I am planning to do a parachute jump for Asthma UK, assuming that is that they will allow me to do this, the information pack I received this week does make reference to the fact in certain circumstances asthmatics may not be allowed to jump. I don't know what these circumstances are but I am assuming its to do with the severity of the persons asthma. However, I am not planning to do this early/middle September when my asthma is at its best so it gives me plenty of time to gather sponsors. I plan to book it late May as I have to put a deposit down of £100 and current financial situation won't allow me to do this as I won't have sufficient finances till then. This still allows me nearly 4 months to gather in sponsorship. My friend B has offered to help me in this regard as she has done a sponsored event herself. I need to raise a minimum of £380 in sponsorship, which seems an awful lot of money to raise.

So why am I doing this, other than the fact that I am in the opinion of some of my friends, off my rocker?

It's because of the frustration that arises from having an illness for whom medical science has run out of options, I have to live with a degree of asthma symptoms on a near daily basis because asthma medication only has a limited impact on the type of asthma I have, a known but little known about abnormal manifestation of asthma, which is also in the words of my consultant "feisty". But its not just the frustration I feel for myself though, its the frustration I feel for others. Friends who have severe asthma, B an P whose asthma is far worse than mine is and each in their individual ways have their lives severely impacted by their disease. Not only is their lives severely impacted but, its likely that their life spans will be shortened possibly quite significantly by their asthma and for them, like myself asthma treatment has reached the end of the line. These are just cases I know of personally, but I know that there are thousands of asthmatics out there that are facing the same difficulties and the same prospects.

Its also stems from the frustration of knowing people for whom medical science didn't catch up in time and they lost their fight against asthma. Some people do not realise that asthma can and does kill, around 1600 people die each year from asthma when taken into consideration there are 5.4 million asthmatics, asthma deaths are rare but it does happen. Through writing this post I have debated as to whether to add this but, I know my very close friend B reads my blog and if she is unhappy with me writing this I will gladly remove it, B was told at 23 that because of the severity of her asthma she was unlikely to live beyond 30, she is now 35 and all she do is wait and hope, wait and hope that medical science catches up with her asthma before time runs out.

I personally have witnessed B have a number of life threatening asthma attacks over the past three years of our friendship. Last year I witnessed her having an attack that so very nearly cost her, her life. She wasn't so much as knocking at deaths door as going down the hallway and hanging up her coat! I was with her that day and witnessed with my own eyes the battle that was fought to save her life and felt the fear of not knowing whether she would pull through. We have had the conversation of how I can support her when she is dying, a conversation that you would never image having with a close friend of 35. Mine and Bs friendship is a very close and special one, a lifelong friendship and its heartbreaking to know that Bs life will almost certainly cut short by her asthma.

So this is why I am doing a parachute jump because I want to contribute in someway to raising money for further research into asthma and the development of new treatments. New treatments that will improve peoples quality of life and ultimately save lives. I don't have delusions that I will be able to raise enough to have a significant impact but I do hope to raise enough to contribute even in some small way. Asthma UK is constantly carrying new and further research yet relies totally on public funding to carry out its research as the government contributes nothing to its work. So I hope that when I start my fundraising people will be able to contribute even if its in some small way.