New year, new challenges

I know its only September but for me the new year begins. That is the new academic year.

It only seems 5 minutes since I handed my last essay in way back in May, then I was looking forward to a summer of freedom and to be able to enjoy the warm weather free of the stresses of study. It didn't transpire like that though. I started a new course and the weather by and large was rubbish with the odd warm rain free day here and there, mostly when I was at work.

I am on a fortnights holiday, the idea behind it was to have some time to unwind and chill out before the new year began. What happened? Work was desperately short staffed and I ended up volunteering for 4 shifts. Things are "up in the air" at work and my attempts to get a new job have so far failed. However on opportunity has arose, to do something I really enjoy-a little bit of teaching.

During my holiday I have done a few things, I have visited my nana and had a day out, where it rained heavily, all day. I had other things planned but they have failed to transpire. Still there is time yet to do something with the remainder of my holiday other than housework and studying, although I don't start till the middle of the month I want to get started early I have my study notes just not the relevant textbooks. This last module looks to be both interesting and tough and I desperately need to do well in order to get a "merit".

Life is very busy at the minute as not only have I got my studies to concentrate on but also I have the new summer term coming up and I have training to do for the leaders of the children's clubs I volunteer for and I need to get myself up to speed with the latest policy documents in preparation for this. Plus I have been asked to do a talk to the children on issues affecting them.

I took my nebuliser in yesterday for its annual service, I was shocked to discover that it now costs more than buying a cheap but half decent nebuliser, this is without all the other costs that come with being a nebuliser user.

All the animals are fine, I have two guests. Foster boys, they are delightful animals but there isn't the room for them and they are getting under my feet a bit but all the same I am enjoying their company.

Talking of pets, I must dash as I have my friends gorgeous cat to feed and I want to spend some time with him like I normally do and I don't think his mummy would be too keen to come home exhausted only to find me still invading her house and her cats attention.

Talking of steroids (and other things)

I am now on my fourth course this year, oh the joys of severe asthma.

I started to notice the other day that things were most starting to slide, I was using my inhaler more and needing more puffs to get things under control. It amuses (and bamboozles) me that on the label it says "take two puffs as required, do not exceed the stated dose", that is 200mg, my nebuliser deliverers 25x that amount and I can take up to 2 back to back along with atrovent. Anyway it doesn't say how much time to leave between the 2 doses so I just work along the lines of 10 puffs, oh well that will 5 lots of 2 puffs so I am not exceeding the dose! Taking two puffs sometimes works but often in the words of my late and much loved grandma "its like giving a donkey one oat". My GP has also advised that I may use up to 10 puffs at a time.

Then I starting waking at night more than normal and became increasingly breathless and wheezy on exertion. I have a test for this, and carry it out by walking up the stairs to my flat the more wheezy/breathless I get the more trouble I am in, in case your wondering I don't spend the day confusing the neighbours by constantly walking up and down the stairs to my flat. By Monday night I was feeling pretty rough and my pf was dropping to around 65% of what it should be, not a massive drop but a drop no less and one that I could really feel.

I sat in my flat knowing what I needed to do, start a course of steroids but I toyed with the idea hoping that it would magically get better by itself which of course it didn't and wouldn't. My reluctance comes from the fact that I really don't enjoy being on steroids because of both their long and short term side effects. By Tuesday morning it was obvious I could put it off no longer and so I now on my usual dose for a few days, I see my GP tomorrow for a review.

In reference to my earlier post, three or four posts ago about the emotional impact that recent events have had on me I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is as good as I am going to get but, I realise at the same time I have never really come to terms with having polyarthalgia and osteoarthritis either which was formally diagnosed in November last year. I am taking a low dose of anti depressant again something I really didn't want to do because it feels like I am not coping as well as I should be but, I really think right now that its the best option for me as I seem to on a bit of an emotional roller coaster, again something I don't like. I am scared as to what the future holds, this in turn is having an impact on my Christian faith. How can I propose to trust God and have faith in Him when I am scared what the future might bring?

Yet there is much that it is positive in my life and much to look forward to and I need to keep a positive outlook in my life, I feel that it is both vital and important. For example the other day after yet another bad night I got up early to find the piggies screaming for breakfast, so I gave them a small amount of food, planning to give them the biggest percentage of their breakfast later and I popped a small cabbage leaf on Harries head, those who have met Harry will back me up when I say he's not the brightest piggy in the world, he sat there occasionally gently trying to move the cabbage leaf off his head, seemingly oblivious that it was in fact his breakfast was on his head, while I stood and giggled helplessly. It was only when, 5 minutes later his cage mate Sparky removed it did he figure out the fact it was food. Its the little things that make life so special. Next week I am meeting up with my wonderful and now "famous" friend B (watch this space)and helping out with a childrens treasure hunt. Here's hoping that non of the children have recently had chicken pox as it has the potential to be very serious illness for me if I catch it. I have much to be grateful for and much to live for, its just a case of finding a way of fitting it all into my life and finding a way out of this rut that I seem to of got myself stuck into.

On a final note I mentioned that my consultant had discharged me, that is not strictly true. I am an "sos" appointments system for 2 years, that is if I feel I need to see at some point in the next two year I can if I need to book an appointment.

It's my birthday!!

It's my brthday today, I am not revealing my age. My friend made the observation the other day in 10 years time I'll be 50. Cheeky sod, I will not be.

In some regards I don't like to make a fuss over my birthday, in a strange perverse way I feel a little uncomfy with celebrating it, for reasons relatingnto my childhood.

On the other side of the coin there is definately reason for celebration, basically I am kept alive by medication, medication that not only keeps me alive but also offers me a reasonable quality of life. These drugs have only become available in recent years and to that end I know that had I been born 20-30 years earlier in all likelihood I would not of lived this long, to that end I have a lot to rejoice in and ask God for wisdom in discerning his plans for me. A friend recently commented that I am blessingnto him, yet I fail to see how.

My birthday will be little different to normal get up, feed the piggies, go to work, attend meetings, come home, feed piggies and sit in my house, on my own for rest of evening watching rubbish telly so it's all a bit boring really.

Tomorrow and Thursday promises to be better days, tomorrow I have a make over booked and paid for by my very kind friend B. I am so looking forward to it, my only hope is the meeting I am due to attend, and simply have to go to and which cropped up after it's booking doesn't go on too long. Me and B are meeting up for coffee as well that aftenoon. On Thursday me and B are going, on a boat trip to. The Farne Islands, more specifically Staple Island. Then in the evening if all goes to plan me and B are going out for a meal and at the same time meeting up with two other friends P and C.

Time spent with friends

I had a fantastic time with P and L. We had a great laugh and it was great to catch up.

They arrived about 2.45pm, after driving around for 15 minutes trying to work out how to get to my house, my street was shut off because of road works. We spent a couple of hours chatting, laughing, cuddling the piggies and generally catching up. They presented me with an early birthday present, the first one was a heavy box which contained to my delight 36 bags of jelly tots, jelly tots are my vice. The second one was a goody bag for "the lads" they were delighted. We then headed to a very nice restaurant for a lovely meal where the laughter continued and I got in a right mess eating a "chocolate mountain". The joke was that I was wearing blue eyeshadow, lipstick and a brown blob on my chin!!. Following this we headed to my friend Bs house where they met B and her cat, my nephew Z. The laughter continued. On leaving Bs we went down to our revamped and renovated quayside before heading back to mine before they headed back to their hotel.

The following evening I went back over to B's she an amazing friend who has had a terrible time recently and we spent the evening planning, chatting, laughing and catching up.

Today I allowed two of my piggies out, I was most amused to see Sparky tip my cup containing water for my meds over and help himself to a drink. This evening my friend who I shall also refer to as P but not the same person as above came over and we had a lovely long chat and at the same time a bit of a giggle. He informed me that I am " blessing" to him. I have no idea what has put that strange belief into his head.

My friends are amazing and precious people.

My asthma is playing up and indirectly resulted in a problems arising at work so I am heading to the asthma clinic on Friday I know there is little they can do but thought I would toddle along anyway as my repeat script list informs me that I am due a review anyway. I will update my blog accordingly.

More planning for June

Tomorrow I have friends coming up from London for the day, I am really looking forward to seeing both P and L, I haven't seen P for over and year and L for possibly 4 or 5 years so I am really looking forward to their visit.

We haven't any rigid plans for the day, they should arrive here around 2.30pm and we may be going to see my friend B and later in the evening be heading out for a meal.

Update

Well its been a while since I last blogged so time for an update.

My essay is progressing not as quickly as I would of liked but it is getting there.

The guests Fred and Barney went onto their foster home a couple of weeks ago, the lady who collected them and I have promised to keep in touch as we both love piggies. Fred and Barney have, since their arrival in foster care been offered a wonderful forever home which is great news for them.

Its not long now till I fly out to Italy and the wedding, the events with the volcanic ash cloud worried me greatly, as did it my sisters. The news that the navy were getting involved along with it been announced that the situation may go on for several months combined with infromation that its next door neighbour, a much bigger volcano may also erupt filled me with dread. I wasn't bothered about making it to Italy, I was worried about letting my sister down. It will certaintly be a great wedding story to tell in in the years to come. I feel very sorry though for those trapped abroad and those who lost long awaited holidays as a result of the ensuing chaos.

Me and B didn't make it to South Lakes Animal Park. Unfortunately my asthma chose to play up, whether it was a result of the fall out of the ash cloud or not is debatable but the end result was I had only 1 hours sleep certainly not enough to safely drive my car. So instead we have planned to go in June and spend a few nights at a youth hostel. However we did manage the planned fireworks on the evening. The fireworks were bought for bonfire night however, it is only now that we have found time to set them off.

The next few days are to be dedicated to preparing for my hols and packing so if you don't hear from me for a while this is why.

By for now

All change

Lots of things are happening here, some mundane whereas others are exciting.

My studies are going well there is just the issue of sorting out my semester B essay which I did a year early. This time last year in fact so I am hoping that I don't need to re sit it as I passed it without problems.

My health continues to be very up and down at the minute my joint problems are causing me significant problems but I have already blogged enough about this previously so I won't expand much on this other than to say I am in a a great deal of pain at the minute, I am very grateful for being prescribed strong painkillers. It is presenting me with some concern as this flare has been more painful than usual. I am hoping that this is just a blip rather than an indication that my joint problems are deteriorating as they inevitably will.

Earlier in the week I broke my mobile phone, a real pain in the neck I took it over to the store where I bought it from and who I have insurance through and was informed that I would need to pay £50 excess for the repairs which didn't please me. I was even less pleased given the fact that I had less than 4 months on my contract and my current contract does not meet my usage thus my bills are expensive. I explained this to the sales person and he told me to go and sit down in one of the chairs provided which I did. After a few minutes natter with the sales guy I came out £110 in my pocket to pay off my current contract, and a new contract that meets my usage needs. Plus I got the phone I really wanted, free. The iphone. I know that they have been very hyped up and some may argue, over hyped. But, it is brilliant and there is a wide range of apps many of them free or costing a few pennies. Instead of carrying my bible with me as I always do I now have a study bible on my i phone. I have put lots of other apps on it, some of my favourite CDs and have down loaded lots of pod cast. The only drawback with it is that when in use its heavy in the battery.

In three weeks time my middle sister will be married, and I will be in Italy. She is getting married in Italy at the end of the month a very exciting though expensive holiday looms. Not only will I be attending the wedding but I am also her bridesmaid and will have the honour of giving her away. I am spending two nights in the south of Italy where the wedding is to be held and then a few nights in Rome.

While I am away my piggies will be staying with a friend. Sadly there have been a number of issues arising with their regular sitter to the point that it seems our friendship will inevitability fizzle out, its sad and difficult to deal with. I have tried a number of avenues to try and resolve the issues but to no avail and I feel that I know have to accept the inevitable. She no longer wishes to remain in the friendship.

Anyway my friend who lives just up the road has kindly offered to take my piggies, I am not sure that she knows what she is letting herself in for but I know that they will be well cared for and loved. Thomas is a lone pig as he has fell out with previous cage mates. Its a situation I am not comfortable with, although I have no real desire to have four piggies at the same time I am conscious that they like the company of their own kind and I am fearful he is getting lonely sitting in his cage all day on his own. So to this end my friend M has offered to try and bond Thomas with a piggy called Bob, M helps run a small animal rescue and Bob is a lone boar who is very lonely on his own. He has also been in rescue since his birth last year, he is now 10 months old and really needs a loving forever home. I am not convinced it will work out but I hope it does for both of them. The trouble is also that I have seen pictures of Bob and have fell in love, it would not be practical or fair on Bob to take him in on his own though, so unless he and Tommy get on he will continue to look for a new home. This is Bob

Just before I head off to Italy I am going to South Lakes Animal Park with my friend B and at the same adopting her a giraffe. Just to note it will remain at the animal park, we will not be bringing it home with us.

My guests Fred and Barney are still with me but they may be moving on to permanent fosters in a few days time. I will miss them greatly but its another step for them on the route to a loving, caring forever home.

So lots happening at this end and as I said at the beginning of my post some are exciting and some are pretty mundane.

Snowball

Sorry I haven't post for a while sometimes I am not sure what to blog about as my life seems well, boring.

There is much happening here I am busy with work I have just started an 8 week stint of nights, my friend B is in hospital I am doing my best to help and support B and my sisters wedding is looming large in the horizon. On Friday I am heading into Yorkshire to collect two guinea pigs for a rescue. Please anyone reading this, if you plan to get a pet think it through very, very carefully. A pet is for life, they are great fun and can add a very special extra dimension to your life but their is price to pay both personally and financially so please think about it carefully before you commit. Can you offer your potential pet a a loving, caring home for life? My personal opinion is, is that the costs involved in having a pet are hardly noticed if you genuinely love and care for your pet because they give you so much you will want to ensure that your pet has a happy life where it is cosseted and loved.

Anyway moving on, the winter is dragging on and my arthritis is really playing up. Last night I woke in severe pain though I lay in my bed for several minutes trying to work out what was wrong before twigging. I got up feeling totally fed up, I was exhausted and needed sleep. B, despite being in hospital was on hand via text message to support me and Sparky was more than happy to act as an extra hot water bottle and sit with me, enjoying the attention and cuddles. I had a hot bath, hot chocolate, hot water bottle and lots of painkillers and around 5am I settled back off to sleep not waking again till 2pm. I awoke feeling achy like I had been kicked by a horse so had more painkillers and rested for the rest of the day.

At 7pm as I waited for my painkillers to work I decided to try a "heat rub", I usually use "deep heat" but my nana recommended the one she uses, claiming its better than deep heat. I can't remember its name and given that its now in the bin I can't even check it. I rubbed it into my back, left wrist and both ankles. Within minutes the areas concerned became red and began to itch, I was soon scratching like a cat with a serious flea infestation. It because very obvious, very soon that to add to the problems that I already had I was suffering from an allergic reaction. I took an anti-histamine and some steroids to protect my lungs and had a long soak in a bath with a lot hydromol bath oil added, hydromol is what I am prescribed for my eczema. I got out the bath and noticed that the redness had become much more wide spread and I looked like I had been scolded though my bath water was not that hot and I still couldn't stop scratching. I lathered myself with both steroid cream and hydromol moisturiser. It seems to have settled down a lot but I am still itchy. Tonight has not been a good night.

Turning frustration into something positive

I am continuing to recover slowly from my chest infection/asthma attack. It has to be said that my physical recovery is going better that my psychological recovery. I am guessing that because I have so busy concentrating on getting better physically I haven't really had a chance to focus on the psychological aspects, now that I need to focus less on the physical aspects of recovering the psychological aspects are raising their ugly head something I was told to expect but I still found overwhelming when it started hitting me.

I am still off work but hope to go back to work this week (fingers crossed) I was planning to go back last week but when I went to see my GP on Monday for a check up he sounded my chest and informed me said there was still some inflammation in my left lung therefore he gave me another weeks sicknote.

Moving on, in my last post I made reference to the fact that I am planning to do a parachute jump for Asthma UK, assuming that is that they will allow me to do this, the information pack I received this week does make reference to the fact in certain circumstances asthmatics may not be allowed to jump. I don't know what these circumstances are but I am assuming its to do with the severity of the persons asthma. However, I am not planning to do this early/middle September when my asthma is at its best so it gives me plenty of time to gather sponsors. I plan to book it late May as I have to put a deposit down of £100 and current financial situation won't allow me to do this as I won't have sufficient finances till then. This still allows me nearly 4 months to gather in sponsorship. My friend B has offered to help me in this regard as she has done a sponsored event herself. I need to raise a minimum of £380 in sponsorship, which seems an awful lot of money to raise.

So why am I doing this, other than the fact that I am in the opinion of some of my friends, off my rocker?

It's because of the frustration that arises from having an illness for whom medical science has run out of options, I have to live with a degree of asthma symptoms on a near daily basis because asthma medication only has a limited impact on the type of asthma I have, a known but little known about abnormal manifestation of asthma, which is also in the words of my consultant "feisty". But its not just the frustration I feel for myself though, its the frustration I feel for others. Friends who have severe asthma, B an P whose asthma is far worse than mine is and each in their individual ways have their lives severely impacted by their disease. Not only is their lives severely impacted but, its likely that their life spans will be shortened possibly quite significantly by their asthma and for them, like myself asthma treatment has reached the end of the line. These are just cases I know of personally, but I know that there are thousands of asthmatics out there that are facing the same difficulties and the same prospects.

Its also stems from the frustration of knowing people for whom medical science didn't catch up in time and they lost their fight against asthma. Some people do not realise that asthma can and does kill, around 1600 people die each year from asthma when taken into consideration there are 5.4 million asthmatics, asthma deaths are rare but it does happen. Through writing this post I have debated as to whether to add this but, I know my very close friend B reads my blog and if she is unhappy with me writing this I will gladly remove it, B was told at 23 that because of the severity of her asthma she was unlikely to live beyond 30, she is now 35 and all she do is wait and hope, wait and hope that medical science catches up with her asthma before time runs out.

I personally have witnessed B have a number of life threatening asthma attacks over the past three years of our friendship. Last year I witnessed her having an attack that so very nearly cost her, her life. She wasn't so much as knocking at deaths door as going down the hallway and hanging up her coat! I was with her that day and witnessed with my own eyes the battle that was fought to save her life and felt the fear of not knowing whether she would pull through. We have had the conversation of how I can support her when she is dying, a conversation that you would never image having with a close friend of 35. Mine and Bs friendship is a very close and special one, a lifelong friendship and its heartbreaking to know that Bs life will almost certainly cut short by her asthma.

So this is why I am doing a parachute jump because I want to contribute in someway to raising money for further research into asthma and the development of new treatments. New treatments that will improve peoples quality of life and ultimately save lives. I don't have delusions that I will be able to raise enough to have a significant impact but I do hope to raise enough to contribute even in some small way. Asthma UK is constantly carrying new and further research yet relies totally on public funding to carry out its research as the government contributes nothing to its work. So I hope that when I start my fundraising people will be able to contribute even if its in some small way.

Recovery

I am on the slow but difficult road to recovery. I am realising that the road is long, has many twists and turns, is uphill and has a few boulders along its path.


First things first. I am I still off work? Yes I am and very reluctantly but on seeing my GP on Monday he said that my left lung still sounded inflamed so issued me with another sick note for another week. I get the general impression that some people really do not understand what asthma can be like, my friend K asked me last week if I would mind doing a 140 mile trip for her (something which I referred to in my last post) and my sister has suggested that I use the time wisely and spring clean my flat. It seems to of escaped her notice that the reason why I am on the sick is because breathing is presenting something of a challenge. She has also formed the idea that the reason why my asthma is as bad as it is, is because I am unfit. her opinion is that if started jogging and swimming then my asthma would pretty much go away. I wish and I am sure that there are many other asthmatics who wish that fact to be true.

I am doing more than I was last week but by the tea time I am pretty exhausted and need an hours nap. I have decided to take three weeks off my studies and have told my tutor of my intentions he was very understanding and questioned "had I being overdoing it?" well actually that might possibly of contributed in someway to everything going belly up.

Yesterday I had to attend an appointment at the rheumotology department of the local hospital and was given a steroid injection guided by ultra sound in my hip, very uncomfortable and that uncomfortableness has continued into today. I can only hope it works.

On Friday I am back to the chest clinic to see my consultant Dr A he's a great doctor and I have a few questions to ask him and we need to form a plan of action of the way forward.

Recovery is not just physical though, it's also mental. A fact often either forgotten or ignored by those who care for me. I am not just an illness I am a person with feelings, a life and friends. I hurt, I get scared, I feel frustration, get angry and a whole host of emotions that I have experienced over the previous few days. I was warned to expect it but even so when it hit I didn't expect me to completely overwhelm me the way it has. It is this part of my recovery that I am really struggling to cope with.

On a brighter note as a result of my recent experiences I have finally decide to commit to doing something I have wanted to do for years and that is raise funds for Asthma UK to that end I plan to do a parachute jump in tandem from 10,000 feet very scary. Watch this space for further details.

Cathartic

I am not sure whether or not I am strong enough to write this post, the events of last weekend are still very much playing around in my mind but as the police helicopter is hovering around outside disturbing my sleep I thought I would grab a cuppa and at least make some attempt at explaining last weekends events.

Last Wednesday I developed, after feeling generally unwell for a couple of days the first signs of a "something going wrong" with my asthma around 10pm and text my friend B to inform her of this. On Thursday morning I woke feeling rough, grateful that I had been assigned to work in the the office that day. I rang my GP in the morning and they asked me to visit at lunchtime who diagnosed a chest infection, duly loaded up with the usual steroids and anti biotics I headed back to work and wrapped myself around the nearest radiator until I got sent home at 2pm, sick. It was my weekend off so I was looking forward to 3 days doing nothing in the hope of recovering enough to return to work on Monday.

The rest of Thursday was spent in bed not feeling well but not feeling out of control either, my friend P popped round to see me and all seemed under control. I had a bad night on Thursday but, that was to be expected and on Friday I awoke feeling very grotty but after a nebuliser pulled round and got on with my day, most of which was spent blobbed out on the sofa. I also rang my nana informing her I would not be able to visit her the day after, something we were both very disappointed about.

Around 4pm I felt incredibly tired so lay down on the sofa, I was awoke with a start three quarters of an hour later struggling, which was a rather frightening experience. My chest was tight and congested so I got up took a walk round the house and had a nebuliser. I knew straight away something was wrong, as my level of breathlessness had increased and I was breathless at rest but, failed to see how poorly I was. Half an hour later my friend B turned up with my shopping which she had very kindly picked up and the effort of walking down the stairs from my flat to my front door left me so breathless it was difficult to speak. B was really concerned about the way I was looking and the difficulty I was experiencing in breathing and advised that I went to hospital for a check up. At first I could see little need my peak flow wasn't drastically low and I felt I would only be wasting their time, I tend to be very stubborn but I could see the concern and worry on Bs face, so I conceded defeat and agreed, thinking that I would probably waste everyones time, spend three hours in the waiting room to be told "you are fine, go home". Expect it didn't happen like that.

I arrived at A and E in B's car, B booked me following this we were instructed to sit and wait on the front row. Almost immediately I was called in, my obs were done and the next thing I knew a wheelchair was brought through, I was instructed to sit on it and I was wheeled through, not to a cubicle as I expected but straight through to rescuss, which shocked me somewhat and provided me with the first indication of how poorly I was, I think B realised my concern and did her best to reassure me. After this point things are a bit of blur, I was exhausted, struggling and scared. Staff surrounded me as tests were carried out my heart rate was 155 and in the words of the nurse "wibbly" my resps were 36, my sats were ok but my arterial blood gases (which took an agonizing 5 attempts) revealed that o2-Co2 concentration was out of balance and as a result the PH of my blood was altered. The care I received in A an E was excellent overall, there was one nurse whose attitude could of done with an improvement, it was very strange how it changed once I told him what I did for a living. I spent nearly 4 hours in rescuss, hooked up to a heart monitor and 02 saturation monitor.

At first there was talk of discharging me home with the support of community matrons as there was a shortage of beds in the hospital, it was then decided it safer to keep me "at least overnight". B made a few phone calls on my behalf informing work, family and friends of my impending admission. There was one very worrying occasion when my usual guinea pig sitter informed me that she was unable to look after them. Luckily P stepped into the breach thank goodness.

I was transferred to MAU were further tests were done including another arterial blood gas and my toilet rights were removed as I was too breathless to walk to the toilet. I later regained them on the condition I went on 02, which I never did. I generally tried to sneak across their without someone spotting me which was usually unsuccessful. Eventually I was settled into a hospital bed at 12 midnight, I was exhausted but unable to sleep not helped by the general noise of the hospital and still feeling shaken up by the nights events. Added to this was the fact I was in a lot of pain as one of my painkillers had to be stopped as it is contra indicated during phases of acute asthma and a consequence of my forced immobility resulting from the breathless my joints got more sore and stiff than normal, on one occasion I stood up and my hip simply gave way.

It was a difficult and exhausting few days spent in hospital, I have a regime of physiotherapy to carry out which is really helpful, I saw the respiratory nurse and she too was helpful. There then followed a very difficult conversation with my chest consultant in which I was told things which I am still finding hard to get my head round. At first it seemed like I would not be discharged till Tuesday but my chest consultant decided that it would be better for me if I came home on Monday but on the condition that I was seen in clinic on Tuesday which I did and he was happy with my progress.

Physically I am doing pretty well, getting there slowly but emotionally its hard. I know that this is normal, but the attack was not life threatening and I go through far less than my friend B who accompanied me to A and E, it was quite surreal to be sitting as a patient in A and E being treated for asthma when my peak flow was most likely higher that B's next to me and to say she caused some concern when she pulled her own neb out would be a slight understatement so I feel somewhat selfish and I can't work out why I feel the way I do.

My head is full of "clutter" and I can't seem to get my head round it, its not just what happened, its how it happened there is also the issue of the way that some people have let me down, one of those people is someone I knew would not be there for me but, it has taken me by surprise the fact that it has affected me the way it has, the other is a friend who has not really being their for me at all and has totally failed to appreciate how ill I have been and the fact that I am still far from well, texting me today asking me if I am driving again (I am out of necessity) and if so can do a 140 mile round drive to drop some pets off that she no longer feels able to care for at a rescue, she herself can drive but feels unable to do so due to stomach problems. I have informed that I will not be able to do this for at least 4 weeks due to the need to recover and also the fact that were the rescue is out in the sticks ans thus there is the added risk if I go off again. There is also the issue of how this illness makes me feel and that in itself is at times overwhelming, I feel a burden and a nuisance to others and I hate the way that I cause others so much concern when they themselves have so much to deal with. At the minute I think that I choosing to take the bury my head in the sand route and hoping it will all go away as I feel better physically however, I doubt this and I know at some point this array of emotions that is challenging me will have to be faced and dealt with.

These past few days have also taught me one key point. The importance and value of true friendship.

Things not looking too good

I am not doing well, I am not responding that well to my medication and not feeling much better all. I am heading back to the doctors tomorrow but I wouldn't be too suprised if I get admitted. My friend K is sitting with me for a couple of hours and will be looking after the lads and will bring my overnight bag in if I go in.

My friend B is on "nightwatch" on case things get worse and I need to call an ambulance through the night and has various peoples numbers so she can contact the appropriate people, my friends, minister and sisters.

My parents may not bother much with me but I am so blessed to have amazing friends.

Breathing my way through 24 hours

Many peoples perception is asthma is that of a relatively minor illness that needs a couple of puffs of an inhaler and everything will be fine. I wish it was really like that, my asthma is pretty severe and my situation will not apply to everyone but here's a brief summary of the past 24 hours in my life.

2am Monday morning I awake coughing get up, check my peakflow and nebulise, ventolin and atrovent. I alert my tutor to my predicament, she tells me not to worry. In case you are wondering she wasn't up at 2am as well she lives in Canada so it was probably a perfectly social hour there.

5.30am Unable to settle because of the cough and breathlessness and getting concerned as neb isn't really lasting. Decide to have a ventolin neb and if that doesn't work I am dialing 999.

6am Neb has worked and I feeling better. Still can't sleep feeling exhausted and lonely.

8.30am Neb atrovent and ventolin again as starting to feel uncomfy again.

9.00am Finally feel more comfy and stable and at last around 9.30am I settle off to sleep.

1.15pm I awake, ring sick and then get up. Feeling very breathless and wheezy, back on the neb again atrovent and ventolin. Take my oral steroids, regular inhaler and tablet.

1.45pm Start getting dressed and ready for the day as rough as I feel making an appearance at the chemist in my PJs is not going to go down well. I have enough to deal with right now without adding getting arrested to my tally of lives little challenges.

2pm As my head is banging and my side is hurting were I have the infection I take some codeine and some paracetamol. Also ring the garage to tell them that I won't be bringing the car in today.

3.30pm Finally feel ready to face the world and walk out to my car (thank goodness I can drive) and head to Sainsburies. Breathless on getting to the car have a couple of puffs of my ventolin inhaler. Hand my script in and take a ssslllllooooowwww walk round the store while clutching on to a trolley. Turns out this episode of poorliness produces some advantages a reduce price ready meal for me and some reduced price veggies for the boys. Curly Kale 50 per cent extra free and 30p off. It take 5 bags and 2 bags of reduced price spinach. I will have happy pigs when I get home. Get my anti biotics, crikes they're like horse pills! Go to the till an elderly gentleman is behind me with two walking sticks in his trolley, he too is using his trolley as a walking aid. His informs me that he has just noticed his mince pies are buy one get one free. I offer to get him another box, there is always someone worse than me and I am willing to help. I totter off to get his mince pies, I hope he enjoys them, he was such a lovely man.

4.30pm Arrive back home, knackered. Take anti biotic.

5pm Mouth feels like something furry has died in it, the anti biotics are repeating and they taste foul and I am so dry.

6pm Time for some more nebs this time as well as using atrovent and ventolin I add a couple of saline to try and loosen the pond life in my lungs. It works but its exhausting to shift even the smallest amount. Then I wash up even that presents a slight challenge but if I washed up more frequently then maybe I wouldn't have as many pots to wash in the first place.

8pm head over to friends to care for her gorgeous nutty cat Z

8.10pm Potter round B's house do a bit of housework, its hard work even though I have done only a small amount but I enjoy it, it makes me feel useful. Make the bed while avoiding Z s paws waving in the air. He wants attention and a cuddle.

8.45pm Sit down and Z sits down on me, ensuring I stay put.

9pm Get told off by B for doing her housework while I am poorly. I don't like people fussing or worrying over me. I rest. My joints hurt a lot as well.

10.15pm Head home

10.30pm Sit, chill watch a DVD Casualty 1909. Put some ice cubes in the fridge to suck on as my mouth feels like the bottom of a budgies cage.

11pm Make some supper, high calorie easy to make, easy to eat. The noise of chopping onions send boys in to a tizwaz, I giggle as I listen to them squeaking and rampaging around their cages demanding more food even though they have only been fed a 3 hours early. I treat them to some spinach.

12pm time for another neb atrovent, ventolin and 2 saline

1am time for bed utterly exhausted, I have a hospital appointment in the morning at 9.30am I need to be up early so that I can take my morning meds and get pulled round in time. Then I have to battle through early morning traffic. Pants

2am Just settling down and I am disturbed by a bad coughing fit, PF isn't to bad so I have a few puffs of my inhaler via a spacer which helps a little.

2.45am Still coughing I concede defeat and take 2.5mg of ventolin. Bring up loads of gunk. Amuse my self by listening to "Bob the Builder" on my phone I no idea how that got on there but I will be singing "Big fish, little fish cardboard box, we are all having fun" for several days now. Except I am not, well not right now anyway.

3.30am I am still up totally wiped out now. Off to try for bed again. Night all

An appeal-one breath (or a few quid) makes all the difference.

Becky is an amazing person, kind caring and funny and a fantastic friend to me.

Life for Becky is not easy, she has severe chronic brittle asthma which requires multiple and high doses of medication. The severe and chaotic nature of her asthma means that she often ends up in hospital suffering from life threatening asthma attacks. Despite this Becky is a very determined person with a "can do" attitude.

She is aiming (breathing ability permitting) to carry out a gym marathon on the 30th October to raise funds for Ward 29, Freeman Hospital-Newcastle. This is the ward that she is normally cared for when she has an attack after she has left HDU/ITU. The staff are a great bunch of people. I feel very proud that Becky is going to do this as I know that its going to present a challenge to her.

I would like to appeal now to you, my readers for you to please sponsor Becky.

Here's her Just Giving page.

Many Thanks

Explantion of silence

I haven't blogged for a while, that is not because I have given up blogging again but rather because I have been away. I was going to write a post about it before I went away but never got round to it.

Very briefly, I will post more about it later we went to Somerset, by "we" I referring to my amazing and wonderful friend B who I went with. B has a brilliant sense of humour and being in her company made the holiday so special, we laughed so much and together we visited some lovely places and saw some fantastic (and funny) sights.

September and the start of Autumn

Firstly may I apologise for yesterdays little rant.

Tomorrow is the 1st September, the beginning of the end of summer and the start of Autumn. Thoughts turn to darker nights, already by half eight its dark and cooler weather. Not that we have had much of a summer.

I love the early autumn months and plan a visit to the top of Sutton Bank to witness the many beautiful colours of the trees from one of my favourite vantage points and take a few photos as well. I may well ask a friend to join me.

Its also the start of the new university year, I head into the second year of my graduate diploma, despite the advice of my tutor I am still sorely tempted to study for the remaining 2 modules in one year despite knowing that its really not a good plan given the struggles I faced last year.

I also have something fantastic to look forward to this month, something that will be very exciting and great fun. I am going on holiday. On the 19th September me and a very good friend B will be heading off to Somerset for a week of sightseeing and silliness. Can't wait.

I thought this was supposed to be fun

Is a concept that I am beginning to wonder exists.

The need of a new motor continues but, I was led to believe that it would be fun, exciting.

Its not, or rather it was at first but it doesn't feel it anymore.

I have chosen my car (or rather the car I wish to purchase) that's were the fun ended and the stress started. I have a budget based on the fact that I have a mortgage and bills to pay and food to buy. The car budget seems to keep going up and up. It scares me, or rather the thought of borrowing that much money scares me. It feels like its spiralling out of control. I could of gone under the scrappage deal but the concept of borrowing £5000 scares the hell out of me yet my budget is now heading that way. And it still scares the hell out of me.

On top of that I keep receiving a variety of advice. Or rather advice from two separate camps, one camp saying put it in under the scrappage scheme, others saying don't put it in under the scrappage scheme. Either way when I eventually purchase my new car there will be one party going "why didn't you, you should of done this, your daft doing that, I would of done this, etc. You get the picture. The only thing that is not an option is keeping my car on the road, its old and falling apart.

If it wasn't for the fact that managing without a car isn't an option I would get rid of my present car and manage without because I am beginning to feel that its simply not worth the stress that I am putting myself under through it. Nor is it fair on my friends who hear me harping on about it morning, noon and night.

Procrastination

I said I was going to start my studies a couple of days ago, well I didn't.

I ended up finding lots of other things to do, I had a lay till 1pm, then two men turned up to do my loft insulation (they arranged it back in March but gave me no date and time, just turning up unannounced yesterday). This led to a great deal of amusement as 6 piggies joined in unison squeaking at the sound of loft insulation been unwrapped from its polythene wrapper thinking it was tea time. Then I had the housework to do because my friend was coming round, at least we did get some studying some for his course.

Today, I never really got round to it because the I was coming close to finishing the fourth Harry Potter and I really, really wanted to finish it. Now I have. Then I had to go over to visit my friends cat whose mummy is on holiday, a job I love, I also have her garden gnome to keep an eye on. He's guarding her watering can that comes complete with holes. Wilfreds role is a very important one as someone attempted to steal the watering can earlier in the year, the court case is still on going. The guy responsible is on the run having failed to turn up in court for his hearing. And now I am updating my blog.

Next week, maybe but I have my car loan to organise....

Animal guest house

Let me first of all introduce one of my piggies, this is Sparky.

I love this time of year not just the weather (or rather the odd day were the sun comes out and it doesn't rain) but the fact that my friends all go on holiday. Let me reassure you I am not happy that my friends are on holiday, I miss them while they are away. I am pleased for them that they are able to get away and enjoy their breaks away. I am pleased because they leave their pets behind and in my care.

Today three more piggies will be arriving, its gets a bit squashed with an extra cage but we manage. Sparky and Harry, who is currently enjoying a Handel CD are in the living room. Tommy remains in the hallway, whinging and an empty cage stands next to it ready to receive the guests.

Next week my friend B heads off on her hols and for a week I will be cat sitting in addition to guinea pig sitting. He's such a gorgeous lad, though a tad spiky at times so I have the joy of caring for him as well.

Small taste of victory

A few weeks ago a close friend was in hospital very poorly. Each day visited her, and each day I was charged to park my car. I would estimate that parking my car cost me around £25-30 over a period of 10 days. It annoyed me greatly, not so much having to pay but rather the principle of it, having to pay to visit my sick friend.

In Scotland the charges have been abolished. The hospital I was visiting makes close on a million pounds per year through car parking charges. On the other hand (I can't find the link) the government refused to charge people to park in prison car parks as they are deemed as too far out the way. I appreciate that hospital car parking is a contentious issue with arguments for and against. Personally I feel that it's unnecessary tax forced on those who have loved ones in hospital.

Anyway I sent the hospital concerned an e mail expressing my opinions regarding the cost of their car parking charges but on hearing nothing back I forgot about it. This afternoon I received an e mail informing me that if I would forward my address they would reimburse me the parking charges. I responded immediately and I await the arrival of a cheque in the post. Then we are off out for a meal courtesy of our local NHS trust.