Reflections and encouragement

First of all I am poorly, again! Another round of nebs, steroids and sitting in the walk in centre is the order of the day but, despite this I am not feeling too bad in the grand scheme of things.

Anyway moving on, the one thing that has been on my mind this week is the fact many people want to study but yet are put off by a number of factors, each individual to the person.

If you are facing this dilemma or there is something you want to do go for it, follow your dreams. I never imagined in a million years that I would get where I am today. I was written off at school and left with very few qualifications yet the dream to be a go to university burned within me and I followed that dream. Yes, it has been harder than I could ever imagine along with the joys there have been tiredness, tears and frustration. There have been many difficulties and sleepless nights along the way. I passed my Dip HE in 1998 but I wanted to go further and this is what I have done and achieved. There have been the difficulties of juggling a job, being a "carer", managing my own health problems but with determination and the support of many I have got there.

Don't see potential problems and difficulties as barriers to achieving what you to achieve, see them as hurdles to get over, hills to climb, challenges to face.

Good luck.

Shocked, stunned and delighted

Well its time for some good news. Some news that is only just sinking in and I feel tearful writing this but they are tears of happiness.

Four weeks ago I submitted my semester A essay, an essay that accounts for 75% of my year mark. An essay that has a reputation as a bit of a bitch. Last year only one person scored over 50% and all admitted struggling with it (I did the summer school a year early as it would clash with my sisters wedding) so I was dreading this essay. I was already miles behind due to my health problems and felt like I was wading through treacle then in early January my friend B was admitted to hospital and was very poorly for a few days placing me further behind, though I sat at her bedside while she was sleeping and studied. This is not a complaint aimed at B, she is an amazing friend and my friends will always come first however, it made things a bit more complicated. What made things even more difficult was the fact Britain was in the grip of "the big freeze" leaving my car was stranded at the side of the road like a beached whale thus forcing me to resort to using public transport meaning that what was usually a 15 minute drive to the hospital took over an hour.

I battled on with the essay but really struggled with it often crying with frustration, I spoke to my tutor who very kindly offered to bend the rules a bit and allow me an extension but I slept very little and ended up exhausted but submitted it was. By the time it was submitted I was already starting to feel the first effects of the chest infection that was to put me in hospital a few days later.

I have been waiting anxiously for my results since then, knowing that I could not face going through it all again if I had to resubmit it but knowing that I would have no choice but to do otherwise. My feeling was that I had passed, just. A fortnight ago my tutor e mailed me to say that I had passed but wouldn't release the mark to me until the external examiners had met, that set alarm bells ringing. My thinking was, and I shared my thoughts with B that if I had passed I had just passed and that is why they had not released my marks to me for they were concerned that if they told me my mark and then the external examiners down graded my mark I would of had my hopes dashed, being told I had passed only to be told a few days later sorry no you haven't and you will have to resit it.

Today an e mail landed in my in box. What I read left me gobsmacked and shocked, so shocked that I promptly emailed my tutor to ensure that the contents of the email was was true. I have scored 75% which is a distinction (or a first in degree terms). The news is still sinking in.

God is good.

Turning frustration into something positive

I am continuing to recover slowly from my chest infection/asthma attack. It has to be said that my physical recovery is going better that my psychological recovery. I am guessing that because I have so busy concentrating on getting better physically I haven't really had a chance to focus on the psychological aspects, now that I need to focus less on the physical aspects of recovering the psychological aspects are raising their ugly head something I was told to expect but I still found overwhelming when it started hitting me.

I am still off work but hope to go back to work this week (fingers crossed) I was planning to go back last week but when I went to see my GP on Monday for a check up he sounded my chest and informed me said there was still some inflammation in my left lung therefore he gave me another weeks sicknote.

Moving on, in my last post I made reference to the fact that I am planning to do a parachute jump for Asthma UK, assuming that is that they will allow me to do this, the information pack I received this week does make reference to the fact in certain circumstances asthmatics may not be allowed to jump. I don't know what these circumstances are but I am assuming its to do with the severity of the persons asthma. However, I am not planning to do this early/middle September when my asthma is at its best so it gives me plenty of time to gather sponsors. I plan to book it late May as I have to put a deposit down of £100 and current financial situation won't allow me to do this as I won't have sufficient finances till then. This still allows me nearly 4 months to gather in sponsorship. My friend B has offered to help me in this regard as she has done a sponsored event herself. I need to raise a minimum of £380 in sponsorship, which seems an awful lot of money to raise.

So why am I doing this, other than the fact that I am in the opinion of some of my friends, off my rocker?

It's because of the frustration that arises from having an illness for whom medical science has run out of options, I have to live with a degree of asthma symptoms on a near daily basis because asthma medication only has a limited impact on the type of asthma I have, a known but little known about abnormal manifestation of asthma, which is also in the words of my consultant "feisty". But its not just the frustration I feel for myself though, its the frustration I feel for others. Friends who have severe asthma, B an P whose asthma is far worse than mine is and each in their individual ways have their lives severely impacted by their disease. Not only is their lives severely impacted but, its likely that their life spans will be shortened possibly quite significantly by their asthma and for them, like myself asthma treatment has reached the end of the line. These are just cases I know of personally, but I know that there are thousands of asthmatics out there that are facing the same difficulties and the same prospects.

Its also stems from the frustration of knowing people for whom medical science didn't catch up in time and they lost their fight against asthma. Some people do not realise that asthma can and does kill, around 1600 people die each year from asthma when taken into consideration there are 5.4 million asthmatics, asthma deaths are rare but it does happen. Through writing this post I have debated as to whether to add this but, I know my very close friend B reads my blog and if she is unhappy with me writing this I will gladly remove it, B was told at 23 that because of the severity of her asthma she was unlikely to live beyond 30, she is now 35 and all she do is wait and hope, wait and hope that medical science catches up with her asthma before time runs out.

I personally have witnessed B have a number of life threatening asthma attacks over the past three years of our friendship. Last year I witnessed her having an attack that so very nearly cost her, her life. She wasn't so much as knocking at deaths door as going down the hallway and hanging up her coat! I was with her that day and witnessed with my own eyes the battle that was fought to save her life and felt the fear of not knowing whether she would pull through. We have had the conversation of how I can support her when she is dying, a conversation that you would never image having with a close friend of 35. Mine and Bs friendship is a very close and special one, a lifelong friendship and its heartbreaking to know that Bs life will almost certainly cut short by her asthma.

So this is why I am doing a parachute jump because I want to contribute in someway to raising money for further research into asthma and the development of new treatments. New treatments that will improve peoples quality of life and ultimately save lives. I don't have delusions that I will be able to raise enough to have a significant impact but I do hope to raise enough to contribute even in some small way. Asthma UK is constantly carrying new and further research yet relies totally on public funding to carry out its research as the government contributes nothing to its work. So I hope that when I start my fundraising people will be able to contribute even if its in some small way.

Recovery

I am on the slow but difficult road to recovery. I am realising that the road is long, has many twists and turns, is uphill and has a few boulders along its path.


First things first. I am I still off work? Yes I am and very reluctantly but on seeing my GP on Monday he said that my left lung still sounded inflamed so issued me with another sick note for another week. I get the general impression that some people really do not understand what asthma can be like, my friend K asked me last week if I would mind doing a 140 mile trip for her (something which I referred to in my last post) and my sister has suggested that I use the time wisely and spring clean my flat. It seems to of escaped her notice that the reason why I am on the sick is because breathing is presenting something of a challenge. She has also formed the idea that the reason why my asthma is as bad as it is, is because I am unfit. her opinion is that if started jogging and swimming then my asthma would pretty much go away. I wish and I am sure that there are many other asthmatics who wish that fact to be true.

I am doing more than I was last week but by the tea time I am pretty exhausted and need an hours nap. I have decided to take three weeks off my studies and have told my tutor of my intentions he was very understanding and questioned "had I being overdoing it?" well actually that might possibly of contributed in someway to everything going belly up.

Yesterday I had to attend an appointment at the rheumotology department of the local hospital and was given a steroid injection guided by ultra sound in my hip, very uncomfortable and that uncomfortableness has continued into today. I can only hope it works.

On Friday I am back to the chest clinic to see my consultant Dr A he's a great doctor and I have a few questions to ask him and we need to form a plan of action of the way forward.

Recovery is not just physical though, it's also mental. A fact often either forgotten or ignored by those who care for me. I am not just an illness I am a person with feelings, a life and friends. I hurt, I get scared, I feel frustration, get angry and a whole host of emotions that I have experienced over the previous few days. I was warned to expect it but even so when it hit I didn't expect me to completely overwhelm me the way it has. It is this part of my recovery that I am really struggling to cope with.

On a brighter note as a result of my recent experiences I have finally decide to commit to doing something I have wanted to do for years and that is raise funds for Asthma UK to that end I plan to do a parachute jump in tandem from 10,000 feet very scary. Watch this space for further details.