I must of had a crystal ball

I mentioned that I had a feeling my asthma was starting to slide, I was right I ended up spending 2 nights in my local hossie. More later. I am still having problems with Blogger thinks it more my PC than anything so I may well be moving soon to another blog provider.

All signed up

I decided to bite the bullet and sign up for the "Diploma in Youth Counselling" as I am sure it will really benefit me and the children I support. I have added a link for some details.

Also I forgot to mention this in my last blog, I have been referred back to the hospital this time for tests to check my bone density and discuss whether or not treatment is required to protect my bones particularly in light of the fact that I need frequent course of oral steroids and there is a strong family history of osteoporosis, both parents and paternal grandma

Shocked, stunned and delighted

Well its time for some good news. Some news that is only just sinking in and I feel tearful writing this but they are tears of happiness.

Four weeks ago I submitted my semester A essay, an essay that accounts for 75% of my year mark. An essay that has a reputation as a bit of a bitch. Last year only one person scored over 50% and all admitted struggling with it (I did the summer school a year early as it would clash with my sisters wedding) so I was dreading this essay. I was already miles behind due to my health problems and felt like I was wading through treacle then in early January my friend B was admitted to hospital and was very poorly for a few days placing me further behind, though I sat at her bedside while she was sleeping and studied. This is not a complaint aimed at B, she is an amazing friend and my friends will always come first however, it made things a bit more complicated. What made things even more difficult was the fact Britain was in the grip of "the big freeze" leaving my car was stranded at the side of the road like a beached whale thus forcing me to resort to using public transport meaning that what was usually a 15 minute drive to the hospital took over an hour.

I battled on with the essay but really struggled with it often crying with frustration, I spoke to my tutor who very kindly offered to bend the rules a bit and allow me an extension but I slept very little and ended up exhausted but submitted it was. By the time it was submitted I was already starting to feel the first effects of the chest infection that was to put me in hospital a few days later.

I have been waiting anxiously for my results since then, knowing that I could not face going through it all again if I had to resubmit it but knowing that I would have no choice but to do otherwise. My feeling was that I had passed, just. A fortnight ago my tutor e mailed me to say that I had passed but wouldn't release the mark to me until the external examiners had met, that set alarm bells ringing. My thinking was, and I shared my thoughts with B that if I had passed I had just passed and that is why they had not released my marks to me for they were concerned that if they told me my mark and then the external examiners down graded my mark I would of had my hopes dashed, being told I had passed only to be told a few days later sorry no you haven't and you will have to resit it.

Today an e mail landed in my in box. What I read left me gobsmacked and shocked, so shocked that I promptly emailed my tutor to ensure that the contents of the email was was true. I have scored 75% which is a distinction (or a first in degree terms). The news is still sinking in.

God is good.

Cathartic

I am not sure whether or not I am strong enough to write this post, the events of last weekend are still very much playing around in my mind but as the police helicopter is hovering around outside disturbing my sleep I thought I would grab a cuppa and at least make some attempt at explaining last weekends events.

Last Wednesday I developed, after feeling generally unwell for a couple of days the first signs of a "something going wrong" with my asthma around 10pm and text my friend B to inform her of this. On Thursday morning I woke feeling rough, grateful that I had been assigned to work in the the office that day. I rang my GP in the morning and they asked me to visit at lunchtime who diagnosed a chest infection, duly loaded up with the usual steroids and anti biotics I headed back to work and wrapped myself around the nearest radiator until I got sent home at 2pm, sick. It was my weekend off so I was looking forward to 3 days doing nothing in the hope of recovering enough to return to work on Monday.

The rest of Thursday was spent in bed not feeling well but not feeling out of control either, my friend P popped round to see me and all seemed under control. I had a bad night on Thursday but, that was to be expected and on Friday I awoke feeling very grotty but after a nebuliser pulled round and got on with my day, most of which was spent blobbed out on the sofa. I also rang my nana informing her I would not be able to visit her the day after, something we were both very disappointed about.

Around 4pm I felt incredibly tired so lay down on the sofa, I was awoke with a start three quarters of an hour later struggling, which was a rather frightening experience. My chest was tight and congested so I got up took a walk round the house and had a nebuliser. I knew straight away something was wrong, as my level of breathlessness had increased and I was breathless at rest but, failed to see how poorly I was. Half an hour later my friend B turned up with my shopping which she had very kindly picked up and the effort of walking down the stairs from my flat to my front door left me so breathless it was difficult to speak. B was really concerned about the way I was looking and the difficulty I was experiencing in breathing and advised that I went to hospital for a check up. At first I could see little need my peak flow wasn't drastically low and I felt I would only be wasting their time, I tend to be very stubborn but I could see the concern and worry on Bs face, so I conceded defeat and agreed, thinking that I would probably waste everyones time, spend three hours in the waiting room to be told "you are fine, go home". Expect it didn't happen like that.

I arrived at A and E in B's car, B booked me following this we were instructed to sit and wait on the front row. Almost immediately I was called in, my obs were done and the next thing I knew a wheelchair was brought through, I was instructed to sit on it and I was wheeled through, not to a cubicle as I expected but straight through to rescuss, which shocked me somewhat and provided me with the first indication of how poorly I was, I think B realised my concern and did her best to reassure me. After this point things are a bit of blur, I was exhausted, struggling and scared. Staff surrounded me as tests were carried out my heart rate was 155 and in the words of the nurse "wibbly" my resps were 36, my sats were ok but my arterial blood gases (which took an agonizing 5 attempts) revealed that o2-Co2 concentration was out of balance and as a result the PH of my blood was altered. The care I received in A an E was excellent overall, there was one nurse whose attitude could of done with an improvement, it was very strange how it changed once I told him what I did for a living. I spent nearly 4 hours in rescuss, hooked up to a heart monitor and 02 saturation monitor.

At first there was talk of discharging me home with the support of community matrons as there was a shortage of beds in the hospital, it was then decided it safer to keep me "at least overnight". B made a few phone calls on my behalf informing work, family and friends of my impending admission. There was one very worrying occasion when my usual guinea pig sitter informed me that she was unable to look after them. Luckily P stepped into the breach thank goodness.

I was transferred to MAU were further tests were done including another arterial blood gas and my toilet rights were removed as I was too breathless to walk to the toilet. I later regained them on the condition I went on 02, which I never did. I generally tried to sneak across their without someone spotting me which was usually unsuccessful. Eventually I was settled into a hospital bed at 12 midnight, I was exhausted but unable to sleep not helped by the general noise of the hospital and still feeling shaken up by the nights events. Added to this was the fact I was in a lot of pain as one of my painkillers had to be stopped as it is contra indicated during phases of acute asthma and a consequence of my forced immobility resulting from the breathless my joints got more sore and stiff than normal, on one occasion I stood up and my hip simply gave way.

It was a difficult and exhausting few days spent in hospital, I have a regime of physiotherapy to carry out which is really helpful, I saw the respiratory nurse and she too was helpful. There then followed a very difficult conversation with my chest consultant in which I was told things which I am still finding hard to get my head round. At first it seemed like I would not be discharged till Tuesday but my chest consultant decided that it would be better for me if I came home on Monday but on the condition that I was seen in clinic on Tuesday which I did and he was happy with my progress.

Physically I am doing pretty well, getting there slowly but emotionally its hard. I know that this is normal, but the attack was not life threatening and I go through far less than my friend B who accompanied me to A and E, it was quite surreal to be sitting as a patient in A and E being treated for asthma when my peak flow was most likely higher that B's next to me and to say she caused some concern when she pulled her own neb out would be a slight understatement so I feel somewhat selfish and I can't work out why I feel the way I do.

My head is full of "clutter" and I can't seem to get my head round it, its not just what happened, its how it happened there is also the issue of the way that some people have let me down, one of those people is someone I knew would not be there for me but, it has taken me by surprise the fact that it has affected me the way it has, the other is a friend who has not really being their for me at all and has totally failed to appreciate how ill I have been and the fact that I am still far from well, texting me today asking me if I am driving again (I am out of necessity) and if so can do a 140 mile round drive to drop some pets off that she no longer feels able to care for at a rescue, she herself can drive but feels unable to do so due to stomach problems. I have informed that I will not be able to do this for at least 4 weeks due to the need to recover and also the fact that were the rescue is out in the sticks ans thus there is the added risk if I go off again. There is also the issue of how this illness makes me feel and that in itself is at times overwhelming, I feel a burden and a nuisance to others and I hate the way that I cause others so much concern when they themselves have so much to deal with. At the minute I think that I choosing to take the bury my head in the sand route and hoping it will all go away as I feel better physically however, I doubt this and I know at some point this array of emotions that is challenging me will have to be faced and dealt with.

These past few days have also taught me one key point. The importance and value of true friendship.

Things not looking too good

I am not doing well, I am not responding that well to my medication and not feeling much better all. I am heading back to the doctors tomorrow but I wouldn't be too suprised if I get admitted. My friend K is sitting with me for a couple of hours and will be looking after the lads and will bring my overnight bag in if I go in.

My friend B is on "nightwatch" on case things get worse and I need to call an ambulance through the night and has various peoples numbers so she can contact the appropriate people, my friends, minister and sisters.

My parents may not bother much with me but I am so blessed to have amazing friends.