You may remember me posting a while back about the case study I was doing and the struggles I was facing as a result of being given a mere month to write what transpired to be a 16000 word case study.
I am not sure to this day how I completed it in time but, I did. I wasn't expecting to do that well given that it was written with such short notice and the struggles I had to face writing it. Plus the tiredness that went with it, it was exhausting.
Yesterday after 5 weeks wait I got my results, my results are as yet unconfirmed by the university academic board but, they rarely if ever change. I had a very pleasant suprise to discover that I have scored an amazing 70%. At first I was like great, yeah I have passed. I was three quarters asleep at the time then slowly it sank in and I couldn't help but feel slightly elated last night and happy.
I have one more module to go to get my graduate diploma, I have the honour of being the first person to sign up for next academic years module, starting 13th September. The new module is Crisis and Trauma Counselling Skills. I am really looking forward to this module as it is an area that I am really interested in and it brings together much of what I have already learnt.
Module Marks so far
Foundation Counselling Skills marks 50% and 55% module mark 50%
Grief and Bereavement Counselling Skills marks 60% and 61% module mark 60%
Couple and Family Counselling Skills marks 75% and 70% Module Mark 73%
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
Saturday, 19 June 2010
Upside down
Life is all over the place at the minute. I have had a wonderful few days with friends but at the same time there are things going one which are bothering me I keep pushing them to the back of my mind but they keep popping forward. I am becoming increasingly unhappy in my job but, yet I lack the self confidence to look for another one. Rather, I lack the confidence to believe in my ability to get another job and so I fail to really make an effort in looking so far 3 potential jobs have passed me by. I have a very dear and close friend who is going through a terribly tough time at the minute and I feel helpless to help her, and I feel I am letting her down greatly and failing to support her fully.
There is also the issue of my health. I am somewhat reluctant to blog this lest it makes me sound like a self centred whinge with a massive chip on my shoulder, ungrateful for what I have got in comparison to others.
My asthma is fairly severe, it is also difficult, unstable and presents in a way that effects only a small number of asthmatics. In the words of my consultant, it is feisty and it presentation leads to a distressing level of breathlessness. For a long time I have lived with this, it has become normal to go out with two salbultamol inhalers, spacer steroids, nebuliser, spare batteries, salbutamol, atrovent and saline nebules in my bag along with the painkillers I also carry. It has become normal for my heart to sink at the sight of a warm day on the horizon, it has become normal to cough, wheeze and be breathless, it has become normal to fear the winter and the chest infections it brings, it has become normal to need to seek emergency care thtough out the year and need 4-6 courses of steroids each year and having to cancel much looked forward to events because I am too unwell, and it is normal to take tablets, inhalers and nebulisers throughout my day. The GPs receptionist has learnt that it is me when I ring by the sound of my voice. Yet none of this should be normal for a 36 year old. I live with it because I have to, recently I was at my local garden centre eating ice cream and nebbing, people walked past and stared. My immediate thought was "whats up have they never seen someone on a nebuliser before?" No, of course they haven't because its not normal. I don't want to be seen to seen wallowing in self pity or selfish but this is my life.
For years I have held out the hope for some miracle drug or for my asthma to settle, in fact it seems to of done the slight opposite and got slightly more unstable over the years. I kinda knew that this was probably was as good as I was going to get, particularly after my conversation with my chest consultant in January but I didn't want to admit to myself.
In May I saw my chest consultant, my lung function had fell a little, nothing major. He then asked how things are going. I told him, his response was along the lines of well the impact your asthma is having on your life is not acceptable but there is nothing more we can offer you. Its hard to put into words the impact had, to say that my quality of life is not acceptable brings home to me the fact that much that I have come to view as normal is in fact abnormal. I do have what I would term as a relatively good quality of life but I know that without my asthma and other health issues it could be better.
The worse bit to hear was this is as good as its going to get, because it made me sit back and take stock of how my life is. I kind of knew this anyway but didn't want to accept it but, to hear it said brings it home to me and the reality. Its scary to think that at 36 I face a lifetime of nebulisers, chest infections, being unwell, emergency hospital admissions and being different. I don't want this to be my life but I have to get my head round it. Yet I don't want to get my head round it because to do so means to accept my situation as it is and I don't want to accept it, I am scared right now. Its all confused and complex. And horrible. And I feel selfish feeling and thinking this way. He decided to try me on another drug, montelukast in the hope it may help a little but miracles are not expected. I think it may of helped slightly though the last two days it had been grumbling a bit.
My consultant then informed me that because his case load is getting bigger and the fact that there is nothing more he can offer me medically and I am not at high risk of dying from my asthma he is going to discharge me from his care. It felt like the final little bit of hope had been extinguished, that even my consultant had given up. Maybe I am overreacting I don't know.
I went to see my asthma nurse a few days later and she greeted me with, I know that there is nothing more we can do for you but we still need to see you yearly in clinic. Err thanks!! The trouble is everyone seems to focus on me being an illness, a pair of crap lungs but I am not I am a person and I wish those delivering the news would recognise this fact. I am a person, with a life, with friends and family. Don't just drop the bombshell, stop, think and regocnise the impact and do something that recognises me as a person. There have been very few people who have cared for me over the years that have reconised this fact. Its rarely how are you, how are you coping? More how is the asthma? I am more than that. I am me, please look closer!
There is also the issue of my health. I am somewhat reluctant to blog this lest it makes me sound like a self centred whinge with a massive chip on my shoulder, ungrateful for what I have got in comparison to others.
My asthma is fairly severe, it is also difficult, unstable and presents in a way that effects only a small number of asthmatics. In the words of my consultant, it is feisty and it presentation leads to a distressing level of breathlessness. For a long time I have lived with this, it has become normal to go out with two salbultamol inhalers, spacer steroids, nebuliser, spare batteries, salbutamol, atrovent and saline nebules in my bag along with the painkillers I also carry. It has become normal for my heart to sink at the sight of a warm day on the horizon, it has become normal to cough, wheeze and be breathless, it has become normal to fear the winter and the chest infections it brings, it has become normal to need to seek emergency care thtough out the year and need 4-6 courses of steroids each year and having to cancel much looked forward to events because I am too unwell, and it is normal to take tablets, inhalers and nebulisers throughout my day. The GPs receptionist has learnt that it is me when I ring by the sound of my voice. Yet none of this should be normal for a 36 year old. I live with it because I have to, recently I was at my local garden centre eating ice cream and nebbing, people walked past and stared. My immediate thought was "whats up have they never seen someone on a nebuliser before?" No, of course they haven't because its not normal. I don't want to be seen to seen wallowing in self pity or selfish but this is my life.
For years I have held out the hope for some miracle drug or for my asthma to settle, in fact it seems to of done the slight opposite and got slightly more unstable over the years. I kinda knew that this was probably was as good as I was going to get, particularly after my conversation with my chest consultant in January but I didn't want to admit to myself.
In May I saw my chest consultant, my lung function had fell a little, nothing major. He then asked how things are going. I told him, his response was along the lines of well the impact your asthma is having on your life is not acceptable but there is nothing more we can offer you. Its hard to put into words the impact had, to say that my quality of life is not acceptable brings home to me the fact that much that I have come to view as normal is in fact abnormal. I do have what I would term as a relatively good quality of life but I know that without my asthma and other health issues it could be better.
The worse bit to hear was this is as good as its going to get, because it made me sit back and take stock of how my life is. I kind of knew this anyway but didn't want to accept it but, to hear it said brings it home to me and the reality. Its scary to think that at 36 I face a lifetime of nebulisers, chest infections, being unwell, emergency hospital admissions and being different. I don't want this to be my life but I have to get my head round it. Yet I don't want to get my head round it because to do so means to accept my situation as it is and I don't want to accept it, I am scared right now. Its all confused and complex. And horrible. And I feel selfish feeling and thinking this way. He decided to try me on another drug, montelukast in the hope it may help a little but miracles are not expected. I think it may of helped slightly though the last two days it had been grumbling a bit.
My consultant then informed me that because his case load is getting bigger and the fact that there is nothing more he can offer me medically and I am not at high risk of dying from my asthma he is going to discharge me from his care. It felt like the final little bit of hope had been extinguished, that even my consultant had given up. Maybe I am overreacting I don't know.
I went to see my asthma nurse a few days later and she greeted me with, I know that there is nothing more we can do for you but we still need to see you yearly in clinic. Err thanks!! The trouble is everyone seems to focus on me being an illness, a pair of crap lungs but I am not I am a person and I wish those delivering the news would recognise this fact. I am a person, with a life, with friends and family. Don't just drop the bombshell, stop, think and regocnise the impact and do something that recognises me as a person. There have been very few people who have cared for me over the years that have reconised this fact. Its rarely how are you, how are you coping? More how is the asthma? I am more than that. I am me, please look closer!
Day threes photo
Here is day threes photo was hard to choose which one to use as there was so many to choose from it was taken on the Farne Islands, a place I referred to earlier. I loved it my camera was ridiculously frustrating though as it had no view finder and so many good photos were missed, I have an old fuji one which will fit the bill nicely but its old but I looked and there is a camera I would love but at just over £200 its going to be a while particularly given that my car is poorly and heading for the garage.
Day fours is coming up and believe me, its boring
Day fours is coming up and believe me, its boring
Thursday, 17 June 2010
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
Day 2
Here's day 2's photo. Its me after my make over that my friend B very kindly treated me to for my birthday, it was lovely and I really enjoyed being pampered. I learnt lots of new tips and tricks and can't wait to try them out for myself.
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
365 project
In light of my birthday one thing that I have decided to take part in is the 365 project, the idea being that you post a photo everyday to mark the day. I know this will be hard and challenging but at the same time interesting. I know there will be days that I could post hundreds of photos, other days it will be hard to find any. It is about what is important to me.
So starting from today I plan to take a photo everyday, I am sure it will be very interesting
Here's my first photo, its of Prince Harry and Sparky enjoying their treats that I picked up as an absolute bargain at Sainburies. £4.60 in opposed to £22.15
So starting from today I plan to take a photo everyday, I am sure it will be very interesting
Here's my first photo, its of Prince Harry and Sparky enjoying their treats that I picked up as an absolute bargain at Sainburies. £4.60 in opposed to £22.15
My birthday
To be honest my birthday hasn't been that brilliant at all. Nothing specifically went wrong but then again nothing specifically happened to mark it as my birthday, it was basically same as any other day with no semblance of celebration.
My day went as follows:-
Got up (or rather woken up, by 3 hungry (loud) mouths, fed and watered my gang
Washed up, hoovered up
Work for eight hours difficult day and meetings to attend, received one card from work colleague.
Supermarket as the hungry mouths, including mine had nothing particularly nice in to eat-spent around £6.00 on piggies, save nearly £18.00 in the same process.
Home, another card on door mat spoke to sister, had a couple of drinks now heading to bed
Have had a few texts and stuff during the day as well including one from South Africa.
So thats about it, the birthday that was. I have come come to the conclusion that though my Birthday was today the celebrations start tomorrow and I have some lovely things planned, will keep you updated.
My day went as follows:-
Got up (or rather woken up, by 3 hungry (loud) mouths, fed and watered my gang
Washed up, hoovered up
Work for eight hours difficult day and meetings to attend, received one card from work colleague.
Supermarket as the hungry mouths, including mine had nothing particularly nice in to eat-spent around £6.00 on piggies, save nearly £18.00 in the same process.
Home, another card on door mat spoke to sister, had a couple of drinks now heading to bed
Have had a few texts and stuff during the day as well including one from South Africa.
So thats about it, the birthday that was. I have come come to the conclusion that though my Birthday was today the celebrations start tomorrow and I have some lovely things planned, will keep you updated.
It's my birthday!!
It's my brthday today, I am not revealing my age. My friend made the observation the other day in 10 years time I'll be 50. Cheeky sod, I will not be.
In some regards I don't like to make a fuss over my birthday, in a strange perverse way I feel a little uncomfy with celebrating it, for reasons relatingnto my childhood.
On the other side of the coin there is definately reason for celebration, basically I am kept alive by medication, medication that not only keeps me alive but also offers me a reasonable quality of life. These drugs have only become available in recent years and to that end I know that had I been born 20-30 years earlier in all likelihood I would not of lived this long, to that end I have a lot to rejoice in and ask God for wisdom in discerning his plans for me. A friend recently commented that I am blessingnto him, yet I fail to see how.
My birthday will be little different to normal get up, feed the piggies, go to work, attend meetings, come home, feed piggies and sit in my house, on my own for rest of evening watching rubbish telly so it's all a bit boring really.
Tomorrow and Thursday promises to be better days, tomorrow I have a make over booked and paid for by my very kind friend B. I am so looking forward to it, my only hope is the meeting I am due to attend, and simply have to go to and which cropped up after it's booking doesn't go on too long. Me and B are meeting up for coffee as well that aftenoon. On Thursday me and B are going, on a boat trip to. The Farne Islands, more specifically Staple Island. Then in the evening if all goes to plan me and B are going out for a meal and at the same time meeting up with two other friends P and C.
In some regards I don't like to make a fuss over my birthday, in a strange perverse way I feel a little uncomfy with celebrating it, for reasons relatingnto my childhood.
On the other side of the coin there is definately reason for celebration, basically I am kept alive by medication, medication that not only keeps me alive but also offers me a reasonable quality of life. These drugs have only become available in recent years and to that end I know that had I been born 20-30 years earlier in all likelihood I would not of lived this long, to that end I have a lot to rejoice in and ask God for wisdom in discerning his plans for me. A friend recently commented that I am blessingnto him, yet I fail to see how.
My birthday will be little different to normal get up, feed the piggies, go to work, attend meetings, come home, feed piggies and sit in my house, on my own for rest of evening watching rubbish telly so it's all a bit boring really.
Tomorrow and Thursday promises to be better days, tomorrow I have a make over booked and paid for by my very kind friend B. I am so looking forward to it, my only hope is the meeting I am due to attend, and simply have to go to and which cropped up after it's booking doesn't go on too long. Me and B are meeting up for coffee as well that aftenoon. On Thursday me and B are going, on a boat trip to. The Farne Islands, more specifically Staple Island. Then in the evening if all goes to plan me and B are going out for a meal and at the same time meeting up with two other friends P and C.
Sunday, 13 June 2010
Work in progress
I came over to "blogger" tonight to discover that some significant changes have taken place within blogger and that now I am presented with a whole range of new options I have started changing things about and I like it so far but I would appreciate some feedback should anyone have any.
I have chosen a candle for many reasons, a candle for me signifies remembrance of loved ones who have passed away, namely my grandparents. It signifies light and hope for the future and in these difficult times that is vital for me, it helps in providing remembrance that no matter how dark things are there is a path forward and even the smallest amount of light shed can help guide the way and reduce the risk of me crashing into boulders, particularly given that at the moment I feel like I have also set fire to the map with the said candle the result is that I am now finding it hard to work out the way forward, (the batteries to my sat nav are flat). Most importantly it signifies the hope, light and way forward for the future offered by God in these difficult and uncertain times.
I have chosen a candle for many reasons, a candle for me signifies remembrance of loved ones who have passed away, namely my grandparents. It signifies light and hope for the future and in these difficult times that is vital for me, it helps in providing remembrance that no matter how dark things are there is a path forward and even the smallest amount of light shed can help guide the way and reduce the risk of me crashing into boulders, particularly given that at the moment I feel like I have also set fire to the map with the said candle the result is that I am now finding it hard to work out the way forward, (the batteries to my sat nav are flat). Most importantly it signifies the hope, light and way forward for the future offered by God in these difficult and uncertain times.
Thursday, 10 June 2010
Time spent with friends
I had a fantastic time with P and L. We had a great laugh and it was great to catch up.
They arrived about 2.45pm, after driving around for 15 minutes trying to work out how to get to my house, my street was shut off because of road works. We spent a couple of hours chatting, laughing, cuddling the piggies and generally catching up. They presented me with an early birthday present, the first one was a heavy box which contained to my delight 36 bags of jelly tots, jelly tots are my vice. The second one was a goody bag for "the lads" they were delighted. We then headed to a very nice restaurant for a lovely meal where the laughter continued and I got in a right mess eating a "chocolate mountain". The joke was that I was wearing blue eyeshadow, lipstick and a brown blob on my chin!!. Following this we headed to my friend Bs house where they met B and her cat, my nephew Z. The laughter continued. On leaving Bs we went down to our revamped and renovated quayside before heading back to mine before they headed back to their hotel.
The following evening I went back over to B's she an amazing friend who has had a terrible time recently and we spent the evening planning, chatting, laughing and catching up.
Today I allowed two of my piggies out, I was most amused to see Sparky tip my cup containing water for my meds over and help himself to a drink. This evening my friend who I shall also refer to as P but not the same person as above came over and we had a lovely long chat and at the same time a bit of a giggle. He informed me that I am " blessing" to him. I have no idea what has put that strange belief into his head.
My friends are amazing and precious people.
My asthma is playing up and indirectly resulted in a problems arising at work so I am heading to the asthma clinic on Friday I know there is little they can do but thought I would toddle along anyway as my repeat script list informs me that I am due a review anyway. I will update my blog accordingly.
They arrived about 2.45pm, after driving around for 15 minutes trying to work out how to get to my house, my street was shut off because of road works. We spent a couple of hours chatting, laughing, cuddling the piggies and generally catching up. They presented me with an early birthday present, the first one was a heavy box which contained to my delight 36 bags of jelly tots, jelly tots are my vice. The second one was a goody bag for "the lads" they were delighted. We then headed to a very nice restaurant for a lovely meal where the laughter continued and I got in a right mess eating a "chocolate mountain". The joke was that I was wearing blue eyeshadow, lipstick and a brown blob on my chin!!. Following this we headed to my friend Bs house where they met B and her cat, my nephew Z. The laughter continued. On leaving Bs we went down to our revamped and renovated quayside before heading back to mine before they headed back to their hotel.
The following evening I went back over to B's she an amazing friend who has had a terrible time recently and we spent the evening planning, chatting, laughing and catching up.
Today I allowed two of my piggies out, I was most amused to see Sparky tip my cup containing water for my meds over and help himself to a drink. This evening my friend who I shall also refer to as P but not the same person as above came over and we had a lovely long chat and at the same time a bit of a giggle. He informed me that I am " blessing" to him. I have no idea what has put that strange belief into his head.
My friends are amazing and precious people.
My asthma is playing up and indirectly resulted in a problems arising at work so I am heading to the asthma clinic on Friday I know there is little they can do but thought I would toddle along anyway as my repeat script list informs me that I am due a review anyway. I will update my blog accordingly.
Sunday, 6 June 2010
More planning for June
Tomorrow I have friends coming up from London for the day, I am really looking forward to seeing both P and L, I haven't seen P for over and year and L for possibly 4 or 5 years so I am really looking forward to their visit.
We haven't any rigid plans for the day, they should arrive here around 2.30pm and we may be going to see my friend B and later in the evening be heading out for a meal.
We haven't any rigid plans for the day, they should arrive here around 2.30pm and we may be going to see my friend B and later in the evening be heading out for a meal.
Saturday, 5 June 2010
Ouch
There are many suggested ways that are supposed to guarantee a "flat stomach" I've discovered one way that I don't recommend, ironing it. Yep thats what I managed to do this morning.
On a more serious note I am beginning if there is any right way to come to terms with what my consultant has said, some days I seem to take more steps backward that forward and I am beginning to wonder if I now should of come to terms with it but, the problem is as I think I already have said in many respects I don't want to get my head round because to so would mean having to accept that this is now the way my life will be and I don't want that to be the case. This is hard. I am then being hard on myself for feeling this way and beating myself up mentally for not pulling myself together and getting my head round it particularly given the fact there are many people in much worse position than myself.
On a more serious note I am beginning if there is any right way to come to terms with what my consultant has said, some days I seem to take more steps backward that forward and I am beginning to wonder if I now should of come to terms with it but, the problem is as I think I already have said in many respects I don't want to get my head round because to so would mean having to accept that this is now the way my life will be and I don't want that to be the case. This is hard. I am then being hard on myself for feeling this way and beating myself up mentally for not pulling myself together and getting my head round it particularly given the fact there are many people in much worse position than myself.
Plans for June
This month looks all set to be a busy month.
I a fortnights time I head back onto night duty for 8 weeks I volunteered for it but now it doesn't seem like such a good plan, the only upside is 4 days off a week in the summer months and extra money.
Hopefully at some point this month I will get my essay results, I get so impatient waiting for my results. I think I have passed, just. But even a pass of 41% will give me an overall mark of 66% for the module so really I have little to worry about I am just anxious to know I have passed.
On a more exciting note its my birthday this month even though I will be on the the wrong side of 30 in that I will now be nearer 40 than 30 (how scary is that!!!) I have a lovely birthday planned. On the 16th my friend B is very kindly indeed paying for me to enjoy a makeover at my local MAC counter at Fenwicks. I am looking forward to some much needed pampering. Then on the 17th June we will be heading over to the Farne Islands, a year later than planned. We planned to do this last year for my birthday but the weather was most definitely against us, resulting what was very spectacular weather. there are a also another couple of days out on the agenda but I think they are more likely to happen next month in opposed to this month but I will update this blog should further developments occur.
Then on the night of the 17th myself and a few friends hopefully, if they will cater for her including B we are going out for a meal. This initially was not for my birthday but I think my birthday will be celebrated as well so, it will be an extended birthday celebration which I think is warranted given that I am a late shift on the actual day of my birthday.
I a fortnights time I head back onto night duty for 8 weeks I volunteered for it but now it doesn't seem like such a good plan, the only upside is 4 days off a week in the summer months and extra money.
Hopefully at some point this month I will get my essay results, I get so impatient waiting for my results. I think I have passed, just. But even a pass of 41% will give me an overall mark of 66% for the module so really I have little to worry about I am just anxious to know I have passed.
On a more exciting note its my birthday this month even though I will be on the the wrong side of 30 in that I will now be nearer 40 than 30 (how scary is that!!!) I have a lovely birthday planned. On the 16th my friend B is very kindly indeed paying for me to enjoy a makeover at my local MAC counter at Fenwicks. I am looking forward to some much needed pampering. Then on the 17th June we will be heading over to the Farne Islands, a year later than planned. We planned to do this last year for my birthday but the weather was most definitely against us, resulting what was very spectacular weather. there are a also another couple of days out on the agenda but I think they are more likely to happen next month in opposed to this month but I will update this blog should further developments occur.
Then on the night of the 17th myself and a few friends hopefully, if they will cater for her including B we are going out for a meal. This initially was not for my birthday but I think my birthday will be celebrated as well so, it will be an extended birthday celebration which I think is warranted given that I am a late shift on the actual day of my birthday.
Friday, 4 June 2010
Yippee!!
Just woke up, the weather is glorious and I am not at work. Heading outside with my guinea pigs soon as they so adore the warm weather and will be so happy to be outside, I love to see then jump and kick in delight at the feeling of the sun on their backs.
Thursday, 3 June 2010
Further explanations
I have just come back from 4 amazing nights away one night at Nottingham, at a party to celebrate my sisters wedding. Some people where amazed that I got someone up dancing who had not taken to the dance floor for 20 years. I caused some amusement by sticking my inhaler in the top of my dress. At the beginning of the night we were given a free glass of champagne. Except I had 5 free glasses.
The next 3 nights were spent in the Lake District where I got caught up, indirectly in the horror of yesterday. My thoughts go out to the families of the dead and injured, let us not forget too the devastating effect it must be having on the perpetrators family, they are just as much his victims as those he shot killed and maimed. I feel that it makes my struggles in coming to terms with my own current situation almost inappropriate and irrelevant in light of the bigger picture of what has happened.
My last post was written on my mobile while sitting on the beach at Arnside, I have really appreciated having the time out. I always feel so much closer to God when the business of day to day life is allowed to melt into the back ground.
Having time out also gave me time to stop, think and reflect. These last few weeks have been incredibly busy and have allowed little time for this, yet much has happened both work wise, personally and individually and I needed time to process it all. Some of it easy to do, some of it harder.
The one thing that I really needed to do was process what my consultant had told me and I will at some time soon dedicate a post to it however, at this stage I feel not quite ready to do this. In my last post I referred to the fact that I needed to change the focus of my life on reflection I don't think it is so much changing the focus of my life that I need to do but rather re adjust my life in order to come to terms and learn to live with the fact that this is it.
This is proving to be a massive challenge to me as I have come to realise that while I need to come to terms with thing and get my head around it at it were I don't want to, because to do so would be to accept that this is what my life is going to be like and I really don't want to accept that. But I know I have to, and I can't work a way through it, it's like trying to pick a pathway through dense woodland in thick fog. I know I will get there but right now not sure how.
During this time the words of Jeremiah 29 v 11 keep going around my head
"For I know I have plans for you" declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
The next 3 nights were spent in the Lake District where I got caught up, indirectly in the horror of yesterday. My thoughts go out to the families of the dead and injured, let us not forget too the devastating effect it must be having on the perpetrators family, they are just as much his victims as those he shot killed and maimed. I feel that it makes my struggles in coming to terms with my own current situation almost inappropriate and irrelevant in light of the bigger picture of what has happened.
My last post was written on my mobile while sitting on the beach at Arnside, I have really appreciated having the time out. I always feel so much closer to God when the business of day to day life is allowed to melt into the back ground.
Having time out also gave me time to stop, think and reflect. These last few weeks have been incredibly busy and have allowed little time for this, yet much has happened both work wise, personally and individually and I needed time to process it all. Some of it easy to do, some of it harder.
The one thing that I really needed to do was process what my consultant had told me and I will at some time soon dedicate a post to it however, at this stage I feel not quite ready to do this. In my last post I referred to the fact that I needed to change the focus of my life on reflection I don't think it is so much changing the focus of my life that I need to do but rather re adjust my life in order to come to terms and learn to live with the fact that this is it.
This is proving to be a massive challenge to me as I have come to realise that while I need to come to terms with thing and get my head around it at it were I don't want to, because to do so would be to accept that this is what my life is going to be like and I really don't want to accept that. But I know I have to, and I can't work a way through it, it's like trying to pick a pathway through dense woodland in thick fog. I know I will get there but right now not sure how.
During this time the words of Jeremiah 29 v 11 keep going around my head
"For I know I have plans for you" declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
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