Tough times

Things aren't good at the moment, I am going through a pretty bad flair up of my polyarthalgia. This is the reason why I am blogging at 6am, the pain has only allowed me to enjoy an hours sleep and I am exhausted. It's very frustrating as I wanted to dedicate today to catching up with some studying. I am feeling low and depressed. When I awoke at 4am I was in a lot of discomfort but unable to take anymore pain relief till now. Today I am going to make an appointment with my GP to discuss the possibility of changing my tramadol to a sustained release preparation in the hope that it will allow for better nights sleep.

I hate the fact that I am struggling so much I feel that it makes me a negative person and that then makes me feel even worse and so develops a viscous circle. Facing chronic illness relatively young makes me feel so different to other people of the same age and a burden and a nuisance I tend to put a smile on my face with the aim of camouflaging my feelings and so protecting others from how I am feeling but, there are days I get so fed up with it all. My friend P has known for sometime that I am really struggling but despite his asking what is bothering me I have kept quiet not wanting to burden him further and tried unsuccessfully to hide my feelings from him. Tonight I confessed how much I was struggling, I was scared of P's reaction I do not know why, yet P thanked me for my frank and honest "confession" and admitted their own struggles with my illness, their frustration of feeling so helpless when I am ill and being unable to do anything to make my situation better.

I think that a persons recent comment has contributed in a least some way to how I am currently feeling. The comment went something like this. "I don't know how you cope, if I was in your shoes I would stick my head in a gas oven" The perception been from the persons comment is that a life of chronic illness not worth living, the quality of life being reduced to the point that there is no quality and it is best to end it. I cope because that is the only choice I have and chronic illness makes me appreciate the smaller things in life and the true preciousness of life. The company of friends and family, a warm summers day, the birds singing, a much loved pets excitement of "mummy" coming home and so forth. It is not for us to question the life God has given us though it is only natural that we do so, it is up to us to make the most of the life God has given us and try, where possible to live it to the full within the realms of the limitations life presents.

Writing about it on my blog leaves me feeling that I am turning this blog into something negative but, it is my blog and an outlet for my feelings, a place where I can share my lows as well as my highs.

I am trying to look at the positives and the good aspects of my life the fact that I do have a lot to offer despite my health issues, I have some amazing friends particularly B and P, I have my wonderful piggies which contribute to my quality of life and I am Auntie Louise to my friends cat Z and I have achieved a lot in my life.